[he didn't hear about it from leon (naturally), so he's surprised. and... maybe a bit concerned about what that means right now. leon didn't do something to upset her, did he?
(he hopes not, because he knows that leon cares about otome a lot.)]
[ She's pretty sure he tried to at least upset her away from caring, which in itself is upsetting... but no, she doesn't blame Leon in the slightest. Things have progressed, she's sure of it. Even if he'd left looking distraught and she'd spent the night worn and exhausted. ]
I... am not as kind as he thinks I am. Not if he can't admit the same about himself.
[ It's not explaining much, she knows, but she still doesn't know how to word things... and what she can even say. ]
[he says it quietly, and it comes with a mix of being both puzzled and worried. he was right (and not in a way he's happy about)... something had happened. and whatever leon said or did, it ultimately upset her.
but what exactly doesn't mean? the way she worded that leaves him feeling pretty confused.]
[there's a long silence as stahn processes what otome is telling him. she betrayed her friends.
if she's saying that, then she must know... what leon did. he's not sure how or why that would come up (though even stahn could hazard a guess, much as he doesn't want to), but that has to be it. there's a quiet hitch to his breath, both because of the fact that leon would have said that, and because otome had apparently done the same.
but the shock is something that doesn't deter stahn. there's a lot he doesn't know about otome; that much is clear based on being told this much alone. but he also knows that she's a kind and caring person, and even if she's betrayed her friends—he couldn't even fathom thinking any less of her. she's been a good help and influence on his life already, despite how briefly they've known each other.
she's a treasured friend.]
It must have been hard for you... [he says, after a breath.] To make that choice. You must have suffered a lot on your own, too.
[his voice is quiet, and it's gentle. he can't call her stupid for it. he can't say she was making mistakes, or that she shouldn't have bore whatever burdens that led her to that choice on her own. he can't, because unlike with leon, he doesn't know what happened with otome.
but what stahn does know is the fact that her expression now, and how she looked when they first bumped into each other shows enough—she's struggling. she's hurting. she's been through it a lot, and knowing her, she's probably doing this all alone.]
No, she thinks, not entirely. Not as hard as it should have been, the first time when the inability to listen to everyone's opinions had led to the agreement to fight trusted companions and allies in the hopes that one ideal would win out over the other.
Even now, thinking about being on opposing sides when they'd all fought the same enemies before-- it makes her throat ache.
The second choice, turning against JP's to side with those same friends because that was what her conscience insisted was stronger... that she doesn't regret. As much as she had hated to hurt the people she'd worked with... that had been necessary. ]
Everything I've gone through... is nothing compared to what everyone else has dealt with.
[ Even if her world didn't remember most of it. Even if Koharu would never remember, or even suspect that her cousin was once her mother. But the others... Kogami, forcibly cutting ties with his own trusted friends, to bring justice to a man who stood outside the law. Trowa and Heero, child soldiers. Stahn and Leon, still so young, but who could plead and scream at each other with such raw pain and desperation that she doubted she'd ever forget what had happened in her room.
Leon, the way he'd been, with his hair hiding his expression, how-- ]
And this isn't really about me. Leon, despite everything he's told me... I know he had his reasons. And I wanted to thank you, Stahn... for believing in him.
[ Because Leon... had needed something like that, hadn't he? ]
That's not something I want to be thanked for. Leon is my friend... he's my best friend. I would never stop believing in him. I knew... before he even said it, I always knew that he had reasons for what he did.
[this is something that stahn believes in so staunchly that he can't hesitate. he doesn't want to be thanked for this, because what kind of friend would he be if he gave up on leon? would he be able to live with himself when despite leon's betrayal, it was obviously not something he did because he wanted to?
he knew marian was suffering. and stahn knows how important marian is to him. he'd already called leon stupid for his actions, for not relying on his friends in a time of need. and to that... leon had given his own life to save his friends. so why should he be thanked for it?
why should he be thanked when he could repay that faith by getting leon out alive?
so he doesn't want to be thanked. and instead, he's flipping this around a bit.]
And you're my friend too, Otome. So... I don't know why you did what you did. I don't know if I ever will, or if I'll be able to understand it. But I believe in you too, no matter what may have happened.
You're a good person. You're both good people, I believe that.
[ She'd expected as much, coming from Stahn. But she's grateful to him regardless. Her smile's a little wan, but genuine enough when she closes her eyes briefly. She hadn't told him that because she'd needed to hear that she was a good person, just to let him understand some of what she and Leon had discussed. She didn't really want forgiveness or acceptance.
... But all the same, it's a continuous revisiting of choices that would likely continue to haunt her, and she sighs out softly. Stahn, at least, knows a little more now.
[he doesn't feel like it's enough. she's still trying to thank him for things he doesn't think need it—this is who he is and how he feels. there isn't some kind of conscious decision-making that goes into why stahn continues to believe in either of them.
besides that, when she closes her eyes and smiles that way, especially after how she looked earlier... it hurts him a little. she seems tired, not just physically, but emotionally. for her to have had that conversation with leon couldn't have been easy. if it's leon... he probably said something unintentionally hurtful because of his own stubborn petulance. and if she told leon what he just heard for himself... it was draining, wasn't it?
regardless of what otome says, stahn can't help but to be worried. how much is she bearing alone? how much pain has she felt for betraying people important to her, and carrying it around in a place where she's helpless to do anything about it? so... stahn can't just stay there and say nice words. it's not enough. so instead, he returns a gesture she had first made towards him when he truly needed it most. stahn shifts, wrapping his arms around her into a comforting hug.]
You don't need to thank me for anyone's sake. No matter what happens, that's not going to change. [he won't give up on her, or leon. and he'll never stop considering either of them important friends.]
[ She's been fortunate, to get the chance to reconcile with her friends after one choice, even if there hadn't been much time to completely smooth things over when they'd been so close to the world's end. But dwelling on it - on any of that - is a draining process, when she can still so acutely remember how everything had felt. And of course she's still worried about Leon, if he'll be uncomfortable around her (more than usual)-- so when Stahn reaches out, she's unprepared. There's a very slight hitch of breath, complete surprise.
Because Otome's accustomed to being the one to pull people in, to offer a comforting shoulder, or chest, just a place to find some solace for a bit. Stahn doing this much effortlessly-- needless to say, it catches her off-guard, but after a startled second, he'll feel her slump a bit, yielding.
She'll be fine, she wants to tell him. This really isn't much.
But she suspects Stahn already knows that, so she simply says nothing. ]
stahn knows that otome is incredibly strong as a person. he knows that she'll be okay, and that things will be fine between her and leon once things blow over (and they will). but all the same, he also knows how unfair it is to bear burdens alone.
otome is always offering her support to others, but is strangely quiet when it comes to herself. he knows this means there's probably a lot more even still. and while he'll never pry into the things she doesn't want to talk about, he does want her to feel comfortable with opening up and not holding on to so many things alone. that's probably the things stahn hates most when it comes to his friends... even if he's been forced to quietly bear a lot of burdens too, he wants to help. he wants to help his friends through theirs and share their weight.
so if all he can do is the very same that she'd done for him in a time of need, then so be it. because regardless of her strength... otome is still human. she needs to have someone she can lean on sometimes as well.]
[ He understands, maybe a bit too well, but that might just be how he is. Stahn, for as long as she's known him (and as long as Leon has) is a kind, caring people who throws himself into his friendships and feels things perhaps too strongly for him to handle sometimes. But there's also a lot, she feels, that he's had to carry without being able to release it.
It's a guess more than anything, and not anything she'd ask about anytime soon - if at all - so she lets that thought drift by.
[her drifting thought isn't wrong—and it's been a pretty bad stain on his mentality, too. he's a lot more jaded than he used to be, and even the people he cares for most have generally been the ones to tell him to suck it up deal with it for the sake of needing to save the world.
not exactly the healthiest situation, but whatever. it's not important right now.]
Yeah... I'm glad too, Otome. [he says it quietly; for someone that's usually so full of zest and energy, he's surprisingly subdued and gentle about this. he pulls back slightly, enough to offer otome a small, encouraging smile.]
I know I can't help much, but even if you don't want to talk about things... I'll be here. Even if we just sit like this and eat rice balls. [don't bear it all alone, that's basically all he's trying to say.]
I think it couldn't hurt... to just take some time like this, every once in a while. [ For the both of them. Stahn could probably use times like this too, for as often as he smiles and reassures. Maybe because she's done the same... it's fairly easy to tell when someone else needs a breather.
That's what I think. I know it isn't much at all, but sometimes... maybe it doesn't really have to be.
[he sounds a bit contemplative about that. honestly, before a few months ago, he may have never considered it in that way. but he's gained a lot of perspective from his experiences. stahn isn't the sharpest tool in the shed about a lot of things, but when it comes to the well-being of his friends, that trumps a lot of other things.]
[tired as it is, it feels better than her attempts to handle things normally from earlier. this way feels more natural, if nothing else... she probably needs more rest to overcome that exhaustion, but stahn at least has a little more faith that she'll be okay after this.]
You'll be the first person I... um, call? [his brows knit slightly—is that the right words for it? technology, how do you work.] But you can come to me first too. I'll always make time if you need it.
I know you will. [ That's really just how Stahn is, she's come to realize. He's the kind of person who would entirely change his plans around to help someone else without even stopping to think about it, and that kind of person is incredible. ]
And if it's riceballs, you can consider yourself first on my list as well.
[which he means, obviously. it's important to him to be able to help when he can. it's the family motto, after all—though obviously, their friendship takes that a step above.] Oh... we should eat, right!
[give him a sec, he'll just dig through the bag to pull out the pre-packaged rice balls.]
Let's see... I have plain ones, tuna... [he's reading the labels on the others.] konbu, and salmon. Which do you want?
Konbu is fine. [ And healthy, and Koharu had always liked the tuna ones best, and she'd rather not dwell on her cousin-turned-daughter-turned-cousin right now. Rice balls, though. Totally fine to focus on. ]
Thank you again, for sharing. I'll take care of the meal for next time.
[ Which isn't all that impressive, she'd just eat rice balls too. ]
[he hands her a konbu riceball before starting to carefully unwrap a salmon one for himself. somehow, he's managed to master the art of unwrapping them without sacrificing their integrity—maybe he buys these a little too often.
either way, after he takes a bite, he hums and shakes his head.] You don't have to do that. You took care of the last meal, remember? And this is a lot smaller than that.
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... I actually had a talk with Leon the other day.
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[he didn't hear about it from leon (naturally), so he's surprised. and... maybe a bit concerned about what that means right now. leon didn't do something to upset her, did he?
(he hopes not, because he knows that leon cares about otome a lot.)]
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I... am not as kind as he thinks I am. Not if he can't admit the same about himself.
[ It's not explaining much, she knows, but she still doesn't know how to word things... and what she can even say. ]
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[he says it quietly, and it comes with a mix of being both puzzled and worried. he was right (and not in a way he's happy about)... something had happened. and whatever leon said or did, it ultimately upset her.
but what exactly doesn't mean? the way she worded that leaves him feeling pretty confused.]
I'm... not sure I get what you mean...
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But he'll probably be able to guess part of the conversation with what she does explain. ]
To put it as simply as I can, I've turned against my friends before. I've betrayed people who trusted me.
[ Simply, indeed. ]
We both learned more about each other than we expected.
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if she's saying that, then she must know... what leon did. he's not sure how or why that would come up (though even stahn could hazard a guess, much as he doesn't want to), but that has to be it. there's a quiet hitch to his breath, both because of the fact that leon would have said that, and because otome had apparently done the same.
but the shock is something that doesn't deter stahn. there's a lot he doesn't know about otome; that much is clear based on being told this much alone. but he also knows that she's a kind and caring person, and even if she's betrayed her friends—he couldn't even fathom thinking any less of her. she's been a good help and influence on his life already, despite how briefly they've known each other.
she's a treasured friend.]
It must have been hard for you... [he says, after a breath.] To make that choice. You must have suffered a lot on your own, too.
[his voice is quiet, and it's gentle. he can't call her stupid for it. he can't say she was making mistakes, or that she shouldn't have bore whatever burdens that led her to that choice on her own. he can't, because unlike with leon, he doesn't know what happened with otome.
but what stahn does know is the fact that her expression now, and how she looked when they first bumped into each other shows enough—she's struggling. she's hurting. she's been through it a lot, and knowing her, she's probably doing this all alone.]
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No, she thinks, not entirely. Not as hard as it should have been, the first time when the inability to listen to everyone's opinions had led to the agreement to fight trusted companions and allies in the hopes that one ideal would win out over the other.
Even now, thinking about being on opposing sides when they'd all fought the same enemies before-- it makes her throat ache.
The second choice, turning against JP's to side with those same friends because that was what her conscience insisted was stronger... that she doesn't regret. As much as she had hated to hurt the people she'd worked with... that had been necessary. ]
Everything I've gone through... is nothing compared to what everyone else has dealt with.
[ Even if her world didn't remember most of it. Even if Koharu would never remember, or even suspect that her cousin was once her mother. But the others... Kogami, forcibly cutting ties with his own trusted friends, to bring justice to a man who stood outside the law. Trowa and Heero, child soldiers. Stahn and Leon, still so young, but who could plead and scream at each other with such raw pain and desperation that she doubted she'd ever forget what had happened in her room.
Leon, the way he'd been, with his hair hiding his expression, how-- ]
And this isn't really about me. Leon, despite everything he's told me... I know he had his reasons. And I wanted to thank you, Stahn... for believing in him.
[ Because Leon... had needed something like that, hadn't he? ]
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That's not something I want to be thanked for. Leon is my friend... he's my best friend. I would never stop believing in him. I knew... before he even said it, I always knew that he had reasons for what he did.
[this is something that stahn believes in so staunchly that he can't hesitate. he doesn't want to be thanked for this, because what kind of friend would he be if he gave up on leon? would he be able to live with himself when despite leon's betrayal, it was obviously not something he did because he wanted to?
he knew marian was suffering. and stahn knows how important marian is to him. he'd already called leon stupid for his actions, for not relying on his friends in a time of need. and to that... leon had given his own life to save his friends. so why should he be thanked for it?
why should he be thanked when he could repay that faith by getting leon out alive?
so he doesn't want to be thanked. and instead, he's flipping this around a bit.]
And you're my friend too, Otome. So... I don't know why you did what you did. I don't know if I ever will, or if I'll be able to understand it. But I believe in you too, no matter what may have happened.
You're a good person. You're both good people, I believe that.
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... But all the same, it's a continuous revisiting of choices that would likely continue to haunt her, and she sighs out softly. Stahn, at least, knows a little more now.
And still considers her a friend. ]
I'll thank you for my sake, too.
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besides that, when she closes her eyes and smiles that way, especially after how she looked earlier... it hurts him a little. she seems tired, not just physically, but emotionally. for her to have had that conversation with leon couldn't have been easy. if it's leon... he probably said something unintentionally hurtful because of his own stubborn petulance. and if she told leon what he just heard for himself... it was draining, wasn't it?
regardless of what otome says, stahn can't help but to be worried. how much is she bearing alone? how much pain has she felt for betraying people important to her, and carrying it around in a place where she's helpless to do anything about it? so... stahn can't just stay there and say nice words. it's not enough. so instead, he returns a gesture she had first made towards him when he truly needed it most. stahn shifts, wrapping his arms around her into a comforting hug.]
You don't need to thank me for anyone's sake. No matter what happens, that's not going to change. [he won't give up on her, or leon. and he'll never stop considering either of them important friends.]
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Because Otome's accustomed to being the one to pull people in, to offer a comforting shoulder, or chest, just a place to find some solace for a bit. Stahn doing this much effortlessly-- needless to say, it catches her off-guard, but after a startled second, he'll feel her slump a bit, yielding.
She'll be fine, she wants to tell him. This really isn't much.
But she suspects Stahn already knows that, so she simply says nothing. ]
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stahn knows that otome is incredibly strong as a person. he knows that she'll be okay, and that things will be fine between her and leon once things blow over (and they will). but all the same, he also knows how unfair it is to bear burdens alone.
otome is always offering her support to others, but is strangely quiet when it comes to herself. he knows this means there's probably a lot more even still. and while he'll never pry into the things she doesn't want to talk about, he does want her to feel comfortable with opening up and not holding on to so many things alone. that's probably the things stahn hates most when it comes to his friends... even if he's been forced to quietly bear a lot of burdens too, he wants to help. he wants to help his friends through theirs and share their weight.
so if all he can do is the very same that she'd done for him in a time of need, then so be it. because regardless of her strength... otome is still human. she needs to have someone she can lean on sometimes as well.]
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It's a guess more than anything, and not anything she'd ask about anytime soon - if at all - so she lets that thought drift by.
And sighs, quietly. ]
Really... I am glad we met.
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not exactly the healthiest situation, but whatever. it's not important right now.]
Yeah... I'm glad too, Otome. [he says it quietly; for someone that's usually so full of zest and energy, he's surprisingly subdued and gentle about this. he pulls back slightly, enough to offer otome a small, encouraging smile.]
I know I can't help much, but even if you don't want to talk about things... I'll be here. Even if we just sit like this and eat rice balls. [don't bear it all alone, that's basically all he's trying to say.]
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And it does help. ]
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[he sounds a bit contemplative about that. honestly, before a few months ago, he may have never considered it in that way. but he's gained a lot of perspective from his experiences. stahn isn't the sharpest tool in the shed about a lot of things, but when it comes to the well-being of his friends, that trumps a lot of other things.]
It's worth it if it helps, right?
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So if you ever need a riceball date, please also let me know.
[ ... Yeah, there's her humor again. Tired, but present. ]
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You'll be the first person I... um, call? [his brows knit slightly—is that the right words for it? technology, how do you work.] But you can come to me first too. I'll always make time if you need it.
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And if it's riceballs, you can consider yourself first on my list as well.
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[which he means, obviously. it's important to him to be able to help when he can. it's the family motto, after all—though obviously, their friendship takes that a step above.] Oh... we should eat, right!
[give him a sec, he'll just dig through the bag to pull out the pre-packaged rice balls.]
Let's see... I have plain ones, tuna... [he's reading the labels on the others.] konbu, and salmon. Which do you want?
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Thank you again, for sharing. I'll take care of the meal for next time.
[ Which isn't all that impressive, she'd just eat rice balls too. ]
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either way, after he takes a bite, he hums and shakes his head.] You don't have to do that. You took care of the last meal, remember? And this is a lot smaller than that.
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[ Meal size differences don't really matter to her. And honestly, this rice ball is fresher than she expected, when she takes a bite. ]
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[rice balls are ridiculously cheap.] We could at least get something more to eat, then.
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[ And keeping Stahn fed, yes. ]
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GO TO SLEEP KIA
I WENT
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