[Leon admits that, if begrudgingly. He knows that sometimes, they're both frightened, confused kids. That sometimes, they're just doing the best they can.
But.
There's a key difference.]
Even so, we are not the same in any way. I will not say this again, so pay attention.
[For as raw as Leon feels, and as much as his emotions are worn down... he can tell when Stahn's struggling and needs help, and right now, that takes precedence.
So right now, he'll just do what he can for that.]
Simply by existing, you bring people hope. By smiling, you are able to convince people that the situation will be okay, and it is in your nature to help others. That is not the case for me--it never has been and never will be.
[And was never meant to be.]
Do not be distracted from the truth of the matter. It is your role to exist as yourself, and that is enough, because that is how you are.
[hearing words like that from leon... it's a bit strange. it's strange to hear words that are so encouraging, words about stahn himself that...
leon believes in?
is this... what leon really thinks of him?
it's—it's a lot. it's a lot to try and take in, because leon so rarely offers encouraging words, and even more rarely tells stahn that he's anything but a happy-go-lucky idiot. to hear those words turned around and used in a positive way—to have leon say that his traits really were something that is good and helpful—
well, his composure isn't really coming back because it's incredibly overwhelming. it's hard to say whether it's a good or bad thing, whether it'll add to the pressure or alleviate it, but... leon's trying. he's trying and stahn knows that, so he can't brush it off even if he's still not sure.]
Leon... [the surprise is obvious in his choked tone, looking up at him with wide eyes... which looks ridiculous in itself right now. disheveled hair, eyes red and puffy, cheeks stained with tears like a little kid that scraped his knee...
there's a reason why stahn is convinced that he's not as strong as everyone expects him to be, after all.]
[Leon's already looking away, naturally; his arms are crossed defensively, but mostly his posture is just exhausted. Seeing Marian again like that, on top of the vertigo and illness, has just left him feeling mostly dull and exhausted. Even if he told Stahn the truth, he doesn't have much more in him right now.
He's not good at cheering people up.
He honestly doesn't even know where to start.
So this is really all he can do.]
... Take from that what you will. In the end, the one who decides where you will go from here is you.
[Not any of the people telling Stahn what he has to be, not Dymlos, not Leon himself. It's Stahn who decides how he'll grow from here.]
[the words may have been encouraging, but he can see that leon is exhausted and that... even him saying that much was probably a struggle.
he's making things harder for leon.
again.
which probably doesn't help him feel any better even despite the encouraging words. leon isn't wrong though—no matter how much other people tell him what he should be, what he needs to be... nobody else can really decide it for him.]
Nobody...
Nobody else ever told me that. [and maybe he should have known along? but stahn's head drops and he draws in a shaky breath as he tries to mask a sob. there will be apologies for this in a bit, but first comes addressing how much this contrasts what everyone else always told him.]
Everyone else needs me. I have a duty to fulfill, I don't have time to be sad, I need to get over it. I need to pick myself up and keep going forward.
[his voice drops to barely above a whisper.] That's all everyone ever said.
[and that's why he's struggling so much. he's trying so hard to meet so many expectations, but at the end of the day, he's a grieving teenage boy from the sticks who fell into the responsibility of saving the world. he's not a knight like leon, he's not equipped for death and tragedy and responsibility on this scale.]
[He can understand where that came from, he supposes. They didn't have a lot of time to worry about Stahn's mental state. They didn't have the time to try to help him through these problems, not when the world was in danger and needed to be saved.
But.
That's not so pressing now. They're not home, and no matter what they do, Stahn can't save the world yet. Instead... all they've got is this. Time. Time and all of these problems Stahn has never been able to deal with. And Leon is tired. He's so tired, and he doesn't know how to fix any of this, but he supposes, if nothing else...]
You have a duty that is important that needs to be completed.
But right now, you are here, and that duty has been put on hold until you are able to return.
[Leon sighs quietly, shaking his head.]
Until then... perhaps you should decide for yourself what you need to be doing right now.
[It's something leon was never told himself--but maybe if he had been, things would have turned out differently.]
[leon is right, of course. leon is right, because he so often often is—but it's still really surprising for stahn to here. despite everything...
leon is being encouraging, isn't he?
he's trying to help stahn, he's trying to work him through some really difficult feelings even despite everything else. leon is the first person to tell him to slow down. well—of those who really knew the situation back home. otome had helped a bit, but it wasn't quite the same when she didn't have the full picture of the gravity of their situation and who it involved.
but leon did. leon is the first to tell him to make decisions for himself and try to actually lead him in the direction of trying to deal with the things that plague him. even though leon himself is clearly exhausted in every way.]
...I'm sorry. [he mumbles, quietly. he knows leon is right. he knows these are things he should do while he has the time. but everyone has conditioned him so much to believe that he needs to keep pressing forward that now? he's not really even sure where to start.
but he appreciates leon's intent, and he appreciates the fact that leon is doing even this much for him after all that's happened. but he feels bad for the fact that it needs to happen at all—as it turns out, leon isn't the only one who has a hard time with coping mechanisms.]
[In response to that apology, Leon just tiredly looks away. He doesn't think Stahn should be apologizing for anything, but... he doesn't really know how to put that into words anymore. He doesn't have much more in him, honestly, at this point; he can only hope that what he said is of use to Stahn, and that Stahn stops destroying himself bit by bit over something he can't even accomplish here.
As for Leon...
He's just going to slump a little, and think about Marian--he'd been doing so well, really, but having the chance to get a full on glimpse of her again such as in that memory has made the ache hard to ignore.
The fact that he'll never see her again is... really hard to swallow, at times like this.
Honestly... what was he even fighting for? Or was he just a child pretending at being someone strong?]
[at this point, they're both exhausted emotionally—and stahn is honestly feeling pretty physically battered by having thrown up before even having breakfast.
so stahn just remains there quietly. he doesn't know what to say at all—he's seen and felt too much, and he feels like anything else may just make the situation worse.
he draws in a few breaths, leaning his head against the table.
he feels helpless and broken; he can't help leon, he can't help himself,... but he knows he has to.]
...I'll do better. [he'll mumble eventually. at what? he doesn't know. but for leon's sake, because leon is trying so hard to help him... he'll find a way to be better.]
Are you purposefully being dense, or is this simply a part of your typical idiocy?
[Leon is the nicest friend.
But honestly? That's not what he wanted to hear after everything. That doesn't make sense. He wants Stahn to realize for himself what he needs to do so that he's not so worn thin--not wear himself out more trying to "do better". That's... not worth it at all.
So it's... Leon, being Leon in a very typical way, but he does mean well. At this point, there's no point to Stahn causing himself more harm in the pursuit of something neither of them wants.]
I've already told you. You do not have to work so hard. There is nothing that can be done at the moment in regards to the situation at home, and you will be of no use to anyone if you return like this. You are utterly exhausted.
[it's another unexpected moment, when leon says something... thoughtful, even if it's in his own way. it's not like stahn can't read between the lines; with leon, it's hard for stahn to ever misunderstand his intent.
is that what makes this so hard?
if anyone else spoke such harsh words, he would have shaped up, sucked it up and just dealt with it. because that was what he was "supposed" to do.
but this is leon being oddly supportive. he's saying to use sense, but he's not telling stahn to just suck it up and get over it. it's weird and it's new, and he's just honestly not really sure how to deal with it for those reasons.]
I wanted to help you. I wanted to help people here, too. [he'll admit, quietly. leon isn't wrong. he's completely exhausted and unsure of how to be the person he's expected to be. he wanted to help everyone, but he's also pretty helpless to do so, and all this time, it's been taking a serious toll on him.
there's been a lot.
there's been a lot that stahn has bottled and kept to himself because he didn't want to burden leon; he was honest often, but still held back so many of his feelings because he believed that leon would continue to tell him what everyone else did.]
That's why... I want to do better. To not be like this... to know what I can do.
[to not cause leon to worry to the point he feels a need to say what he has at all, but that remains unvoiced.]
[Well. That's...honestly up to Stahn. At this point, Leon can't tell him what to do or how to do it. This is Stahn's life, and he has to live it in a way that will allow him to be healthy and happier.
As happy as he can be, anyway.
Quietly, Leon sighs, and leaves it at that.]
Do what you want. [A beat, and he adds, more quietly:] Though at this point, you may as well do so on your own terms. There is nobody else to tell you what to do or how to be.
[stahn falls quiet, unsure of what to say as he mulls over those words. leon's trying hard for his sake, when it should probably be the other way around.
he still feels weak and helpless; how is it that when stahn probably saw something much worse of leon's, and leon seeing something that was so obviously more impactful for him, that he endsu p being the one that feels so weak and helpless? how is it that even when they're not seeing eye-to-eye on certain things, leon manages to find the strength to encourage him in ways that nobody else has ever managed to?
it just means there's something he owes leon right now.]
...Thank you.
[even if there's an apology that sits on his tongue, it's the thank you that he says, because... he sincerely appreciates leon's effort. he's the first person to say these things to him, the first who seems to understand a bit of what he needs. even if they can't quite get there on other solutions, leon recognizes that stahn is hurting and needs help, he recognizes that the pressure of everyone telling him what needs to be done is something he's struggling with.
and of course he is. he's a country boy. a shepherd. this situation fell into his lap and he never dealt with things like really protecting others or facing death, losing people he loved—of course it's overwhelming to someone like him, who cares so much and loves so hard.
leon is acknowledging that.
so naturally, it deserves a sincere display of gratitude.]
[... Leon doesn't even have the energy to argue that thanks right now. He does shake his head slightly--he doesn't think he deserves thanks--but otherwise he says nothing, tiredly accepting it since he knows very well how futile it is to argue it.
Stahn is grateful to him, but really... Leon hasn't done anything at all. The last time he really helped Stahn was... when was that, even? Has he ever really been of any help to Stahn? He's having a hard time thinking of any times that he was, honestly.
He frowns a little to himself, but... what he said was true. If he tells Stahn how to go about taking care of himself, not only does he not really know how, Stahn still won't be doing it for himself. Stahn's the only one who can decide what sort of actions are most important for him to take right now.
So Leon's quiet. He won't undermine Stahn's thanks, but he can't quite accept it, either.]
the air still feels so heavy, and he doesn't feel like this thank you meant very much; all the same, he knows that giving any apologies will likely be met with ire too.
what is he supposed to do now?
it's not usually stahn that feels this way, but right now... he's the one who wants to escape. he's still not sure if they solved anything at all between them (even though he misses the way things used to be so much), and he's still not really sure how to deal with the advice that leon gave him.
so wordlessly, he pushes his chair out, though he doesn't yet make a move to stand. better as he is in terms of composure, the lack of food and his crashed blood sugar doesn't really help him be any less shaky, after all.]
[Really, it just makes him feel worse. Leon's usually the sort to withdraw into himself when he's upset, but... right now, the thought that Stahn feels the need to get away from him and be on his own honestly hurts a little. Still... it wouldn't be Leon if he said something along those lines; instead, he only glances at Stahn before turning his gaze back away again.
In some ways, they've moved forward due to this conversation.
But in a lot of ways, it also doesn't feel like it, not just yet, when they're both sad and tired and worn down.]
[stahn doesn't feel good about it either, of course—walking away from leon under any circumstance is really difficult for him anyway...
but right now, it's what he needs to do.]
Sorry, I...
[it's still hard for him to even spit the words out because of how difficult it is.]
I'm going to get cleaned up. [he didn't eat. he didn't drink his coffee. all he did was cry and vomit in the sink, and yet, he's already trying to retreat... maybe partially because he knows leon won't actually stop him.]
He almost opens his mouth, and almost calls Stahn back.
But in the end, Stahn's right, and he doesn't. He doesn't call Stahn back, and he doesn't do anything but dropping his gaze further. In this moment, he's not sure if he wants to be alone or not.
He can't tell.
And so, quietly, his shoulders slump, and he doesn't say anything, and he just lets Stahn go.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Leon admits that, if begrudgingly. He knows that sometimes, they're both frightened, confused kids. That sometimes, they're just doing the best they can.
But.
There's a key difference.]
Even so, we are not the same in any way. I will not say this again, so pay attention.
[For as raw as Leon feels, and as much as his emotions are worn down... he can tell when Stahn's struggling and needs help, and right now, that takes precedence.
So right now, he'll just do what he can for that.]
Simply by existing, you bring people hope. By smiling, you are able to convince people that the situation will be okay, and it is in your nature to help others. That is not the case for me--it never has been and never will be.
[And was never meant to be.]
Do not be distracted from the truth of the matter. It is your role to exist as yourself, and that is enough, because that is how you are.
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leon believes in?
is this... what leon really thinks of him?
it's—it's a lot. it's a lot to try and take in, because leon so rarely offers encouraging words, and even more rarely tells stahn that he's anything but a happy-go-lucky idiot. to hear those words turned around and used in a positive way—to have leon say that his traits really were something that is good and helpful—
well, his composure isn't really coming back because it's incredibly overwhelming. it's hard to say whether it's a good or bad thing, whether it'll add to the pressure or alleviate it, but... leon's trying. he's trying and stahn knows that, so he can't brush it off even if he's still not sure.]
Leon... [the surprise is obvious in his choked tone, looking up at him with wide eyes... which looks ridiculous in itself right now. disheveled hair, eyes red and puffy, cheeks stained with tears like a little kid that scraped his knee...
there's a reason why stahn is convinced that he's not as strong as everyone expects him to be, after all.]
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He's not good at cheering people up.
He honestly doesn't even know where to start.
So this is really all he can do.]
... Take from that what you will. In the end, the one who decides where you will go from here is you.
[Not any of the people telling Stahn what he has to be, not Dymlos, not Leon himself. It's Stahn who decides how he'll grow from here.]
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he's making things harder for leon.
again.
which probably doesn't help him feel any better even despite the encouraging words. leon isn't wrong though—no matter how much other people tell him what he should be, what he needs to be... nobody else can really decide it for him.]
Nobody...
Nobody else ever told me that. [and maybe he should have known along? but stahn's head drops and he draws in a shaky breath as he tries to mask a sob. there will be apologies for this in a bit, but first comes addressing how much this contrasts what everyone else always told him.]
Everyone else needs me. I have a duty to fulfill, I don't have time to be sad, I need to get over it. I need to pick myself up and keep going forward.
[his voice drops to barely above a whisper.] That's all everyone ever said.
[and that's why he's struggling so much. he's trying so hard to meet so many expectations, but at the end of the day, he's a grieving teenage boy from the sticks who fell into the responsibility of saving the world. he's not a knight like leon, he's not equipped for death and tragedy and responsibility on this scale.]
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But.
That's not so pressing now. They're not home, and no matter what they do, Stahn can't save the world yet. Instead... all they've got is this. Time. Time and all of these problems Stahn has never been able to deal with. And Leon is tired. He's so tired, and he doesn't know how to fix any of this, but he supposes, if nothing else...]
You have a duty that is important that needs to be completed.
But right now, you are here, and that duty has been put on hold until you are able to return.
[Leon sighs quietly, shaking his head.]
Until then... perhaps you should decide for yourself what you need to be doing right now.
[It's something leon was never told himself--but maybe if he had been, things would have turned out differently.]
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leon is being encouraging, isn't he?
he's trying to help stahn, he's trying to work him through some really difficult feelings even despite everything else. leon is the first person to tell him to slow down. well—of those who really knew the situation back home. otome had helped a bit, but it wasn't quite the same when she didn't have the full picture of the gravity of their situation and who it involved.
but leon did. leon is the first to tell him to make decisions for himself and try to actually lead him in the direction of trying to deal with the things that plague him. even though leon himself is clearly exhausted in every way.]
...I'm sorry. [he mumbles, quietly. he knows leon is right. he knows these are things he should do while he has the time. but everyone has conditioned him so much to believe that he needs to keep pressing forward that now? he's not really even sure where to start.
but he appreciates leon's intent, and he appreciates the fact that leon is doing even this much for him after all that's happened. but he feels bad for the fact that it needs to happen at all—as it turns out, leon isn't the only one who has a hard time with coping mechanisms.]
no subject
As for Leon...
He's just going to slump a little, and think about Marian--he'd been doing so well, really, but having the chance to get a full on glimpse of her again such as in that memory has made the ache hard to ignore.
The fact that he'll never see her again is... really hard to swallow, at times like this.
Honestly... what was he even fighting for? Or was he just a child pretending at being someone strong?]
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so stahn just remains there quietly. he doesn't know what to say at all—he's seen and felt too much, and he feels like anything else may just make the situation worse.
he draws in a few breaths, leaning his head against the table.
he feels helpless and broken; he can't help leon, he can't help himself,... but he knows he has to.]
...I'll do better. [he'll mumble eventually. at what? he doesn't know. but for leon's sake, because leon is trying so hard to help him... he'll find a way to be better.]
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[Leon is the nicest friend.
But honestly? That's not what he wanted to hear after everything. That doesn't make sense. He wants Stahn to realize for himself what he needs to do so that he's not so worn thin--not wear himself out more trying to "do better". That's... not worth it at all.
So it's... Leon, being Leon in a very typical way, but he does mean well. At this point, there's no point to Stahn causing himself more harm in the pursuit of something neither of them wants.]
I've already told you. You do not have to work so hard. There is nothing that can be done at the moment in regards to the situation at home, and you will be of no use to anyone if you return like this. You are utterly exhausted.
[A scoff.]
Use some sense.
[In a very Leon way, what he's really saying is--
Take care of yourself.]
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is that what makes this so hard?
if anyone else spoke such harsh words, he would have shaped up, sucked it up and just dealt with it. because that was what he was "supposed" to do.
but this is leon being oddly supportive. he's saying to use sense, but he's not telling stahn to just suck it up and get over it. it's weird and it's new, and he's just honestly not really sure how to deal with it for those reasons.]
I wanted to help you. I wanted to help people here, too. [he'll admit, quietly. leon isn't wrong. he's completely exhausted and unsure of how to be the person he's expected to be. he wanted to help everyone, but he's also pretty helpless to do so, and all this time, it's been taking a serious toll on him.
there's been a lot.
there's been a lot that stahn has bottled and kept to himself because he didn't want to burden leon; he was honest often, but still held back so many of his feelings because he believed that leon would continue to tell him what everyone else did.]
That's why... I want to do better. To not be like this... to know what I can do.
[to not cause leon to worry to the point he feels a need to say what he has at all, but that remains unvoiced.]
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As happy as he can be, anyway.
Quietly, Leon sighs, and leaves it at that.]
Do what you want. [A beat, and he adds, more quietly:] Though at this point, you may as well do so on your own terms. There is nobody else to tell you what to do or how to be.
[Stahn... should live his life how he needs to.]
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he still feels weak and helpless; how is it that when stahn probably saw something much worse of leon's, and leon seeing something that was so obviously more impactful for him, that he endsu p being the one that feels so weak and helpless? how is it that even when they're not seeing eye-to-eye on certain things, leon manages to find the strength to encourage him in ways that nobody else has ever managed to?
it just means there's something he owes leon right now.]
...Thank you.
[even if there's an apology that sits on his tongue, it's the thank you that he says, because... he sincerely appreciates leon's effort. he's the first person to say these things to him, the first who seems to understand a bit of what he needs. even if they can't quite get there on other solutions, leon recognizes that stahn is hurting and needs help, he recognizes that the pressure of everyone telling him what needs to be done is something he's struggling with.
and of course he is. he's a country boy. a shepherd. this situation fell into his lap and he never dealt with things like really protecting others or facing death, losing people he loved—of course it's overwhelming to someone like him, who cares so much and loves so hard.
leon is acknowledging that.
so naturally, it deserves a sincere display of gratitude.]
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Stahn is grateful to him, but really... Leon hasn't done anything at all. The last time he really helped Stahn was... when was that, even? Has he ever really been of any help to Stahn? He's having a hard time thinking of any times that he was, honestly.
He frowns a little to himself, but... what he said was true. If he tells Stahn how to go about taking care of himself, not only does he not really know how, Stahn still won't be doing it for himself. Stahn's the only one who can decide what sort of actions are most important for him to take right now.
So Leon's quiet. He won't undermine Stahn's thanks, but he can't quite accept it, either.]
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the air still feels so heavy, and he doesn't feel like this thank you meant very much; all the same, he knows that giving any apologies will likely be met with ire too.
what is he supposed to do now?
it's not usually stahn that feels this way, but right now... he's the one who wants to escape. he's still not sure if they solved anything at all between them (even though he misses the way things used to be so much), and he's still not really sure how to deal with the advice that leon gave him.
so wordlessly, he pushes his chair out, though he doesn't yet make a move to stand. better as he is in terms of composure, the lack of food and his crashed blood sugar doesn't really help him be any less shaky, after all.]
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In some ways, they've moved forward due to this conversation.
But in a lot of ways, it also doesn't feel like it, not just yet, when they're both sad and tired and worn down.]
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but right now, it's what he needs to do.]
Sorry, I...
[it's still hard for him to even spit the words out because of how difficult it is.]
I'm going to get cleaned up. [he didn't eat. he didn't drink his coffee. all he did was cry and vomit in the sink, and yet, he's already trying to retreat... maybe partially because he knows leon won't actually stop him.]
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He almost opens his mouth, and almost calls Stahn back.
But in the end, Stahn's right, and he doesn't. He doesn't call Stahn back, and he doesn't do anything but dropping his gaze further. In this moment, he's not sure if he wants to be alone or not.
He can't tell.
And so, quietly, his shoulders slump, and he doesn't say anything, and he just lets Stahn go.]