[and it is true. stahn knows that leon being complicit in this didn't help. stahn may be kind of slow... but he knows all of this.
he knows leon is still a guilty party. he knows that leon did these things knowing the consequences of his actions. what he did was still a huge problem, and even though it's true he causes messes that needed to be cleaned up.
he isn't the sole reason for it.
he was coerced, and seemingly against his own morals just because marian's life was at risk.
stahn never once believed that what leon did was without reason.]
I know... you wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for Marian. I know that she's that important to you...
And I know that what Hugo wants and believes isn't what you wanted. So... even if those things are true, they still don't matter to me.
They should matter to Stahn, but even so... Leon believes him when he says they don't. It's a very Stahn thing to say, and so despite Leon's frustrations... he simply sighs, shaking his head dully and glancing away. He doesn't know what else to do at this point, honestly.
He's just tired, and he knows he's guilty, and Stahn absolving him of that guilt isn't enough to erase it. And Leon knows it shouldn't be. He should never be able to just shake off the things he chose to do.]
How can you be so accepting of this? I chose this. I picked one single person's lives over all of yours, and everyone else's.
[he has more to say, but it takes him a minute to get it out.]
But when I think about it... I can't be mad. I can't blame you. Because... if I were in your shoes, I don't know that I would have made a different choice. If it was Lilith, or Gramps, you, Rutee...
[he sucks in a breath, because this is hard for him to admit.] I might have done the same thing. I almost did the same thing. I almost chose you over everything else.
[which would have gotten him killed. the only reason that didn't happen is because kongman held him back forcibly, and stahn knows it. he would have gotten right back in that left and given his life to try and save leon.]
I'm not... going to say your choice is right. But I can't be mad if I'm not any better.
[He says that immediately, shaking his head. Even if he doesn't know everything that happened after--even if Stahn wasn't put in the same situation as him... he knows it. In his soul, in his heart.
He knows Stahn would have found a better way.
Because Stahn...is better than him and always has been and always will be.]
[stahn can't help himself, there's a little outburst that comes with that. because what leon thinks he knows.. he doesn't.
he doesn't know at all, and that's why stahn's hands ball tightly into fists on the table and he sucks in a deep breath. for the first time in a while, he's finding it really hard to live up to a standard that's being set for him. everyone expects so much of him to do the right thing, when in actuality...]
The only reason I didn't come back down that lift to get you was because Kongman held me back and wouldn't let go until we were on the Flying Dragon! And then... even then...
[he flew the draconis straight into dycroft. or he tried to.
he's selfish, and he would have risked everything for one person when he was desperate too, so being told he isn't that way, acting like he's on some kind of highground that leon isn't... that's a lie.]
[Kongman held him back. Stahn could depend on his friends, and Stahn always had. Stahn was open and giving, and thus others cared about him too. Stahn went there with his companions, and when the going got tough, they stood with him.
Leon didn't--couldn't--do it.
He couldn't ask for help--even when he should have, even when Chal counseled him to do so, even when he had nothing else but that. So while Stahn is fierce and fiery, Leon is quiet and flat.]
That is all there is to it. Your choices were different. [better]
[he's getting worked up, because he hates this. he hates that leon is holding him to some higher standard that he doesn't actually meet. he's acting like stahn is someone better than him, and to stahn... there's no way that's the case at all.]
Just stop, Leon! Stop... stop acting like I did everything right and you did everything wrong! I'm not... I'm not better, and that doesn't make me feel good, either. It's not some kind of truth, just because you want to think it is!
[... Oops. Stahn sure is getting worked up over this, and Leon doesn't get it all over again. Why... does he not agree with this? Leon had thought he finally understood. Stahn had depended on his friends and made that choice, and that was the right choice. Leon had not, and that was the wrong choice.
And Leon had died for it.
He glances away sharply, expression a mix of frustration and confusion.]
... Whatever. Think whatever you want. [He doesn't understand.]
it hurts stahn a lot, because the pressure of having to be the hero, of having to be the swordian master he's apparently destined to be already weighs on him heavily. so when leon adds his own expectations to that, and they're so, so much greater than what stahn sees himself as...
it feels hard to breathe.
all stahn can do is drop his head—any attempt that may have existed to maintain his composure is lost. his head remains dipped to not look at leon, but there are hot tears rolling down his cheeks, and though he tries to remain quiet, the way his shoulders shake is indicative of his sobs (as are the sniffles). he doesn't have a response for leon, he doesn't have words to reply with.
except something mumbled that's barely audible, if only because he can't muster the strength to say them any louder.]
Why...
Why can't you ever believe anyone else? [why is leon always so insistent that he's right? even when he admits he's done something wrong, he gets something else in his head tha's off the mark, and then refuses to believe them.
stahn has to wonder if he really values what stahn believes in that little, that he can't ever concede to the fact that stahn sometimes knows what he's talking about, even if that's just admitting his own many flaws.]
[Because Leon's going to Leon... but no, really, he...doesn't understand this. He'd thought that this was what Stahn had wanted--to prove to him that there was nothing correct about what Leon did. That he needed to depend on other people, which is what Stahn did.
That not doing so... that's what led to his doom.
He still doesn't entirely regret what he did, but he's starting to accept that he went about things entirely wrongly, but then... Stahn looks so crushed, and Leon doesn't know what to do.
He's always held Stahn up as a shining standard of what goodness looks like, so it doesn't even cross his mind that that sort of pressure might be adding to it--he doesn't get it at all, and he just looks utterly confused.]
I... I don't understand. [...] I'd thought that...this was what you'd wanted.
[he can at least ask that much, because stahn doesn't know what leon thinks either at this point. everything about this situation leaves stahn at a loss.
what does leon think he want? what is leon expecting of him? everything feels like so much, and while stahn constantly does his best to maintain what he needs to in order to achieve goals back in their world... but his resolve has been shaken so many times, he's not the paragon of good and selfless that leon thinks he is.
sure, he relies on his friends and that gets him through, but he can think of just as many times that he'd been completely stupid and inconsiderate. so... what is even supposed to be? can he even keep living up to this ideal everyone has been piling on his shoulders?]
[Maybe...this is really what they needed though. Maybe they needed it to come to a head like this--for Leon to accept that he didn't understand at all, and for Stahn to finally ask about what Leon's thinking...
Maybe this is what was needed.
Leon hesitates for only a moment, but... he is sincerely confused, and he's trying so hard to figure this out; his brow furrows, and tentatively--]
You have said...time and time again, that I should have relied on someone else. That I did not was my mistake, one you did not make. Isn't that correct?
I said it because... Because I hate knowing so much happened when we could have—when we would have helped. But just because you did that doesn't...
[he has to pause, drawing in a shaky breath. it's hard to have this conversation through tears, especially when stahn himself is overwhelmed and completely unsure of how to put any of this into words.]
It doesn't mean I didn't make mistakes too... that I don't make them. You should have because we're friends, because... I wanted to be able to help you. Not because I'm better or make better choices!
I would have went back, even though it would have killed me. I flew the Draconis right into Dycroft to go after Hugo and it crashed because of a barrier. I cared so much about avenging you that I didn't see how much Rutee was hurting and keeping to herself.
[there are a couple of sobs he can't choke back, and that's why he has to pause again and take in a few deep breaths.]
So you can't say I always made the right choices, or that I did something better... [the only difference is that because their friends were there, they managed to do damage control and prevent stahn from getting himself killed.]
[He still doesn't understand: it's obvious on his face. But Leon's always had that slightly twisted worldview from how he was raised. Leon was raised to be perfect. There wasn't anything else acceptable but that perfection... but he'd never really expected that from the people around him. It was just him. He was the only one, and now...
He doesn't find any fault in Stahn or Stahn's actions. The only actions he finds fault in are his own.
So he's quiet for a long moment, before he just shakes his head tiredly.]
If you are expecting me to be shocked that you thought with your heart instead of your head, I am afraid I am not.
[That's what Stahn had always done. He'd always been emotional, and giving, and far too kind. That was what made him strong, and what made him weak all at once, and Leon....well, Leon knew that very well by now.]
[That much is fact, because... Stahn being the way he was was what changed Leon as much as it did. Stahn being the way he is is what hurts Leon every day--because he's still so Stahn.
But... obviously, this is upsetting Stahn in some way, and he's still not entirely sure why. Leon obviously thinks it's a given that Stahn is as good as he thinks he is, but...as strong?]
Because you won't see that we're not that different sometimes! Because...
[he trails off, and yeah. he's still an emotional disaster right now.]
I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. [he's a kid from the countryside who has the weight of the world literally on his shoulders. he's doing his best, but it's hard. it's so, so hard and he's been crumbling and breaking so much more because of the way cerealia has worn him down. all of this...
there's not much to ground him and remind him of what he's supposed to be. leon and dymlos are always telling him what he is and isn't and what he needs to be around here but...
it's hard. it's really hard for him and nobody ever seems to realize that because his feelings aren't what matters as long as the job gets done.]
[Leon admits that, if begrudgingly. He knows that sometimes, they're both frightened, confused kids. That sometimes, they're just doing the best they can.
But.
There's a key difference.]
Even so, we are not the same in any way. I will not say this again, so pay attention.
[For as raw as Leon feels, and as much as his emotions are worn down... he can tell when Stahn's struggling and needs help, and right now, that takes precedence.
So right now, he'll just do what he can for that.]
Simply by existing, you bring people hope. By smiling, you are able to convince people that the situation will be okay, and it is in your nature to help others. That is not the case for me--it never has been and never will be.
[And was never meant to be.]
Do not be distracted from the truth of the matter. It is your role to exist as yourself, and that is enough, because that is how you are.
[hearing words like that from leon... it's a bit strange. it's strange to hear words that are so encouraging, words about stahn himself that...
leon believes in?
is this... what leon really thinks of him?
it's—it's a lot. it's a lot to try and take in, because leon so rarely offers encouraging words, and even more rarely tells stahn that he's anything but a happy-go-lucky idiot. to hear those words turned around and used in a positive way—to have leon say that his traits really were something that is good and helpful—
well, his composure isn't really coming back because it's incredibly overwhelming. it's hard to say whether it's a good or bad thing, whether it'll add to the pressure or alleviate it, but... leon's trying. he's trying and stahn knows that, so he can't brush it off even if he's still not sure.]
Leon... [the surprise is obvious in his choked tone, looking up at him with wide eyes... which looks ridiculous in itself right now. disheveled hair, eyes red and puffy, cheeks stained with tears like a little kid that scraped his knee...
there's a reason why stahn is convinced that he's not as strong as everyone expects him to be, after all.]
[Leon's already looking away, naturally; his arms are crossed defensively, but mostly his posture is just exhausted. Seeing Marian again like that, on top of the vertigo and illness, has just left him feeling mostly dull and exhausted. Even if he told Stahn the truth, he doesn't have much more in him right now.
He's not good at cheering people up.
He honestly doesn't even know where to start.
So this is really all he can do.]
... Take from that what you will. In the end, the one who decides where you will go from here is you.
[Not any of the people telling Stahn what he has to be, not Dymlos, not Leon himself. It's Stahn who decides how he'll grow from here.]
[the words may have been encouraging, but he can see that leon is exhausted and that... even him saying that much was probably a struggle.
he's making things harder for leon.
again.
which probably doesn't help him feel any better even despite the encouraging words. leon isn't wrong though—no matter how much other people tell him what he should be, what he needs to be... nobody else can really decide it for him.]
Nobody...
Nobody else ever told me that. [and maybe he should have known along? but stahn's head drops and he draws in a shaky breath as he tries to mask a sob. there will be apologies for this in a bit, but first comes addressing how much this contrasts what everyone else always told him.]
Everyone else needs me. I have a duty to fulfill, I don't have time to be sad, I need to get over it. I need to pick myself up and keep going forward.
[his voice drops to barely above a whisper.] That's all everyone ever said.
[and that's why he's struggling so much. he's trying so hard to meet so many expectations, but at the end of the day, he's a grieving teenage boy from the sticks who fell into the responsibility of saving the world. he's not a knight like leon, he's not equipped for death and tragedy and responsibility on this scale.]
[He can understand where that came from, he supposes. They didn't have a lot of time to worry about Stahn's mental state. They didn't have the time to try to help him through these problems, not when the world was in danger and needed to be saved.
But.
That's not so pressing now. They're not home, and no matter what they do, Stahn can't save the world yet. Instead... all they've got is this. Time. Time and all of these problems Stahn has never been able to deal with. And Leon is tired. He's so tired, and he doesn't know how to fix any of this, but he supposes, if nothing else...]
You have a duty that is important that needs to be completed.
But right now, you are here, and that duty has been put on hold until you are able to return.
[Leon sighs quietly, shaking his head.]
Until then... perhaps you should decide for yourself what you need to be doing right now.
[It's something leon was never told himself--but maybe if he had been, things would have turned out differently.]
[leon is right, of course. leon is right, because he so often often is—but it's still really surprising for stahn to here. despite everything...
leon is being encouraging, isn't he?
he's trying to help stahn, he's trying to work him through some really difficult feelings even despite everything else. leon is the first person to tell him to slow down. well—of those who really knew the situation back home. otome had helped a bit, but it wasn't quite the same when she didn't have the full picture of the gravity of their situation and who it involved.
but leon did. leon is the first to tell him to make decisions for himself and try to actually lead him in the direction of trying to deal with the things that plague him. even though leon himself is clearly exhausted in every way.]
...I'm sorry. [he mumbles, quietly. he knows leon is right. he knows these are things he should do while he has the time. but everyone has conditioned him so much to believe that he needs to keep pressing forward that now? he's not really even sure where to start.
but he appreciates leon's intent, and he appreciates the fact that leon is doing even this much for him after all that's happened. but he feels bad for the fact that it needs to happen at all—as it turns out, leon isn't the only one who has a hard time with coping mechanisms.]
[In response to that apology, Leon just tiredly looks away. He doesn't think Stahn should be apologizing for anything, but... he doesn't really know how to put that into words anymore. He doesn't have much more in him, honestly, at this point; he can only hope that what he said is of use to Stahn, and that Stahn stops destroying himself bit by bit over something he can't even accomplish here.
As for Leon...
He's just going to slump a little, and think about Marian--he'd been doing so well, really, but having the chance to get a full on glimpse of her again such as in that memory has made the ache hard to ignore.
The fact that he'll never see her again is... really hard to swallow, at times like this.
Honestly... what was he even fighting for? Or was he just a child pretending at being someone strong?]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[and it is true. stahn knows that leon being complicit in this didn't help. stahn may be kind of slow... but he knows all of this.
he knows leon is still a guilty party. he knows that leon did these things knowing the consequences of his actions. what he did was still a huge problem, and even though it's true he causes messes that needed to be cleaned up.
he isn't the sole reason for it.
he was coerced, and seemingly against his own morals just because marian's life was at risk.
stahn never once believed that what leon did was without reason.]
I know... you wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for Marian. I know that she's that important to you...
And I know that what Hugo wants and believes isn't what you wanted. So... even if those things are true, they still don't matter to me.
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They should matter to Stahn, but even so... Leon believes him when he says they don't. It's a very Stahn thing to say, and so despite Leon's frustrations... he simply sighs, shaking his head dully and glancing away. He doesn't know what else to do at this point, honestly.
He's just tired, and he knows he's guilty, and Stahn absolving him of that guilt isn't enough to erase it. And Leon knows it shouldn't be. He should never be able to just shake off the things he chose to do.]
How can you be so accepting of this? I chose this. I picked one single person's lives over all of yours, and everyone else's.
[That choice was wrong.]
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[he has more to say, but it takes him a minute to get it out.]
But when I think about it... I can't be mad. I can't blame you. Because... if I were in your shoes, I don't know that I would have made a different choice. If it was Lilith, or Gramps, you, Rutee...
[he sucks in a breath, because this is hard for him to admit.] I might have done the same thing. I almost did the same thing. I almost chose you over everything else.
[which would have gotten him killed. the only reason that didn't happen is because kongman held him back forcibly, and stahn knows it. he would have gotten right back in that left and given his life to try and save leon.]
I'm not... going to say your choice is right. But I can't be mad if I'm not any better.
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[He says that immediately, shaking his head. Even if he doesn't know everything that happened after--even if Stahn wasn't put in the same situation as him... he knows it. In his soul, in his heart.
He knows Stahn would have found a better way.
Because Stahn...is better than him and always has been and always will be.]
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[stahn can't help himself, there's a little outburst that comes with that. because what leon thinks he knows.. he doesn't.
he doesn't know at all, and that's why stahn's hands ball tightly into fists on the table and he sucks in a deep breath. for the first time in a while, he's finding it really hard to live up to a standard that's being set for him. everyone expects so much of him to do the right thing, when in actuality...]
The only reason I didn't come back down that lift to get you was because Kongman held me back and wouldn't let go until we were on the Flying Dragon! And then... even then...
[he flew the draconis straight into dycroft. or he tried to.
he's selfish, and he would have risked everything for one person when he was desperate too, so being told he isn't that way, acting like he's on some kind of highground that leon isn't... that's a lie.]
no subject
[Kongman held him back. Stahn could depend on his friends, and Stahn always had. Stahn was open and giving, and thus others cared about him too. Stahn went there with his companions, and when the going got tough, they stood with him.
Leon didn't--couldn't--do it.
He couldn't ask for help--even when he should have, even when Chal counseled him to do so, even when he had nothing else but that. So while Stahn is fierce and fiery, Leon is quiet and flat.]
That is all there is to it. Your choices were different. [better]
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[he's getting worked up, because he hates this. he hates that leon is holding him to some higher standard that he doesn't actually meet. he's acting like stahn is someone better than him, and to stahn... there's no way that's the case at all.]
Just stop, Leon! Stop... stop acting like I did everything right and you did everything wrong! I'm not... I'm not better, and that doesn't make me feel good, either. It's not some kind of truth, just because you want to think it is!
no subject
And Leon had died for it.
He glances away sharply, expression a mix of frustration and confusion.]
... Whatever. Think whatever you want. [He doesn't understand.]
no subject
it hurts stahn a lot, because the pressure of having to be the hero, of having to be the swordian master he's apparently destined to be already weighs on him heavily. so when leon adds his own expectations to that, and they're so, so much greater than what stahn sees himself as...
it feels hard to breathe.
all stahn can do is drop his head—any attempt that may have existed to maintain his composure is lost. his head remains dipped to not look at leon, but there are hot tears rolling down his cheeks, and though he tries to remain quiet, the way his shoulders shake is indicative of his sobs (as are the sniffles). he doesn't have a response for leon, he doesn't have words to reply with.
except something mumbled that's barely audible, if only because he can't muster the strength to say them any louder.]
Why...
Why can't you ever believe anyone else? [why is leon always so insistent that he's right? even when he admits he's done something wrong, he gets something else in his head tha's off the mark, and then refuses to believe them.
stahn has to wonder if he really values what stahn believes in that little, that he can't ever concede to the fact that stahn sometimes knows what he's talking about, even if that's just admitting his own many flaws.]
no subject
That not doing so... that's what led to his doom.
He still doesn't entirely regret what he did, but he's starting to accept that he went about things entirely wrongly, but then... Stahn looks so crushed, and Leon doesn't know what to do.
He's always held Stahn up as a shining standard of what goodness looks like, so it doesn't even cross his mind that that sort of pressure might be adding to it--he doesn't get it at all, and he just looks utterly confused.]
I... I don't understand. [...] I'd thought that...this was what you'd wanted.
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[he can at least ask that much, because stahn doesn't know what leon thinks either at this point. everything about this situation leaves stahn at a loss.
what does leon think he want? what is leon expecting of him? everything feels like so much, and while stahn constantly does his best to maintain what he needs to in order to achieve goals back in their world... but his resolve has been shaken so many times, he's not the paragon of good and selfless that leon thinks he is.
sure, he relies on his friends and that gets him through, but he can think of just as many times that he'd been completely stupid and inconsiderate. so... what is even supposed to be? can he even keep living up to this ideal everyone has been piling on his shoulders?]
no subject
Maybe this is what was needed.
Leon hesitates for only a moment, but... he is sincerely confused, and he's trying so hard to figure this out; his brow furrows, and tentatively--]
You have said...time and time again, that I should have relied on someone else. That I did not was my mistake, one you did not make. Isn't that correct?
1/2
[he has to pause, drawing in a shaky breath. it's hard to have this conversation through tears, especially when stahn himself is overwhelmed and completely unsure of how to put any of this into words.]
It doesn't mean I didn't make mistakes too... that I don't make them. You should have because we're friends, because... I wanted to be able to help you. Not because I'm better or make better choices!
no subject
I would have went back, even though it would have killed me. I flew the Draconis right into Dycroft to go after Hugo and it crashed because of a barrier. I cared so much about avenging you that I didn't see how much Rutee was hurting and keeping to herself.
[there are a couple of sobs he can't choke back, and that's why he has to pause again and take in a few deep breaths.]
So you can't say I always made the right choices, or that I did something better... [the only difference is that because their friends were there, they managed to do damage control and prevent stahn from getting himself killed.]
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He doesn't find any fault in Stahn or Stahn's actions. The only actions he finds fault in are his own.
So he's quiet for a long moment, before he just shakes his head tiredly.]
If you are expecting me to be shocked that you thought with your heart instead of your head, I am afraid I am not.
[That's what Stahn had always done. He'd always been emotional, and giving, and far too kind. That was what made him strong, and what made him weak all at once, and Leon....well, Leon knew that very well by now.]
no subject
[the fact leon doesn't understand at all is pretty frustrating.]
I tried to do the same things you did, only other people didn't let me. I'm not better, I didn't do something special... my choices...
[they hurt other people too, and would have hurt people more.] I'm not as good or strong as you think I am.
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[That much is fact, because... Stahn being the way he was was what changed Leon as much as it did. Stahn being the way he is is what hurts Leon every day--because he's still so Stahn.
But... obviously, this is upsetting Stahn in some way, and he's still not entirely sure why. Leon obviously thinks it's a given that Stahn is as good as he thinks he is, but...as strong?]
Why are you trying to convince me of this/
no subject
[he trails off, and yeah. he's still an emotional disaster right now.]
I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. [he's a kid from the countryside who has the weight of the world literally on his shoulders. he's doing his best, but it's hard. it's so, so hard and he's been crumbling and breaking so much more because of the way cerealia has worn him down. all of this...
there's not much to ground him and remind him of what he's supposed to be. leon and dymlos are always telling him what he is and isn't and what he needs to be around here but...
it's hard. it's really hard for him and nobody ever seems to realize that because his feelings aren't what matters as long as the job gets done.]
no subject
[Leon admits that, if begrudgingly. He knows that sometimes, they're both frightened, confused kids. That sometimes, they're just doing the best they can.
But.
There's a key difference.]
Even so, we are not the same in any way. I will not say this again, so pay attention.
[For as raw as Leon feels, and as much as his emotions are worn down... he can tell when Stahn's struggling and needs help, and right now, that takes precedence.
So right now, he'll just do what he can for that.]
Simply by existing, you bring people hope. By smiling, you are able to convince people that the situation will be okay, and it is in your nature to help others. That is not the case for me--it never has been and never will be.
[And was never meant to be.]
Do not be distracted from the truth of the matter. It is your role to exist as yourself, and that is enough, because that is how you are.
no subject
leon believes in?
is this... what leon really thinks of him?
it's—it's a lot. it's a lot to try and take in, because leon so rarely offers encouraging words, and even more rarely tells stahn that he's anything but a happy-go-lucky idiot. to hear those words turned around and used in a positive way—to have leon say that his traits really were something that is good and helpful—
well, his composure isn't really coming back because it's incredibly overwhelming. it's hard to say whether it's a good or bad thing, whether it'll add to the pressure or alleviate it, but... leon's trying. he's trying and stahn knows that, so he can't brush it off even if he's still not sure.]
Leon... [the surprise is obvious in his choked tone, looking up at him with wide eyes... which looks ridiculous in itself right now. disheveled hair, eyes red and puffy, cheeks stained with tears like a little kid that scraped his knee...
there's a reason why stahn is convinced that he's not as strong as everyone expects him to be, after all.]
no subject
He's not good at cheering people up.
He honestly doesn't even know where to start.
So this is really all he can do.]
... Take from that what you will. In the end, the one who decides where you will go from here is you.
[Not any of the people telling Stahn what he has to be, not Dymlos, not Leon himself. It's Stahn who decides how he'll grow from here.]
no subject
he's making things harder for leon.
again.
which probably doesn't help him feel any better even despite the encouraging words. leon isn't wrong though—no matter how much other people tell him what he should be, what he needs to be... nobody else can really decide it for him.]
Nobody...
Nobody else ever told me that. [and maybe he should have known along? but stahn's head drops and he draws in a shaky breath as he tries to mask a sob. there will be apologies for this in a bit, but first comes addressing how much this contrasts what everyone else always told him.]
Everyone else needs me. I have a duty to fulfill, I don't have time to be sad, I need to get over it. I need to pick myself up and keep going forward.
[his voice drops to barely above a whisper.] That's all everyone ever said.
[and that's why he's struggling so much. he's trying so hard to meet so many expectations, but at the end of the day, he's a grieving teenage boy from the sticks who fell into the responsibility of saving the world. he's not a knight like leon, he's not equipped for death and tragedy and responsibility on this scale.]
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But.
That's not so pressing now. They're not home, and no matter what they do, Stahn can't save the world yet. Instead... all they've got is this. Time. Time and all of these problems Stahn has never been able to deal with. And Leon is tired. He's so tired, and he doesn't know how to fix any of this, but he supposes, if nothing else...]
You have a duty that is important that needs to be completed.
But right now, you are here, and that duty has been put on hold until you are able to return.
[Leon sighs quietly, shaking his head.]
Until then... perhaps you should decide for yourself what you need to be doing right now.
[It's something leon was never told himself--but maybe if he had been, things would have turned out differently.]
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leon is being encouraging, isn't he?
he's trying to help stahn, he's trying to work him through some really difficult feelings even despite everything else. leon is the first person to tell him to slow down. well—of those who really knew the situation back home. otome had helped a bit, but it wasn't quite the same when she didn't have the full picture of the gravity of their situation and who it involved.
but leon did. leon is the first to tell him to make decisions for himself and try to actually lead him in the direction of trying to deal with the things that plague him. even though leon himself is clearly exhausted in every way.]
...I'm sorry. [he mumbles, quietly. he knows leon is right. he knows these are things he should do while he has the time. but everyone has conditioned him so much to believe that he needs to keep pressing forward that now? he's not really even sure where to start.
but he appreciates leon's intent, and he appreciates the fact that leon is doing even this much for him after all that's happened. but he feels bad for the fact that it needs to happen at all—as it turns out, leon isn't the only one who has a hard time with coping mechanisms.]
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As for Leon...
He's just going to slump a little, and think about Marian--he'd been doing so well, really, but having the chance to get a full on glimpse of her again such as in that memory has made the ache hard to ignore.
The fact that he'll never see her again is... really hard to swallow, at times like this.
Honestly... what was he even fighting for? Or was he just a child pretending at being someone strong?]
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