[it could have been worse. it could have been a whole lot worse when he thinks about the things that happened before that. stahn's not sure he could bear it if leon saw the direct aftermath of his sacrifice, or the way he and rutee cried together in radislowe. ilene's death, or anything in-between.
this was still painful, because even stahn hasn't forgotten anything that happened on that day... but...
maybe leon could get some closure from it?
he finally finds it in him to lift his head, looking at leon with eyes that... are hard to discern the expression. relieved? sad? still pained? it seems like a bit of everything.]
It was my promise to you. [he wouldn't let marian die, no matter what.] I... couldn't break that promise, no matter what.
[Seeing her again had honestly almost been too much for him; even now, when he thinks of that memory, it makes his breathing grow shakier. Because there's a part of him that still so badly wants to see her again, and yet he knows that it's not possible.
And even if it was, he wouldn't go see her anyway.
It wouldn't be fair to her, after the suffering he put her through.
He drops his gaze to the table, and dully:]
Thank you.
[He does appreciate it; there's no doubt about that, despite his tone. He's infinitely grateful that Stahn saved Marian. It's just that everything else is so difficult to handle emotionally right now.]
[he knows. there's not a single moment where he'd ever question if leon was truly appreciative or not.]
She's... the most important person to you. [stahn knows that. he knows how much leon loves marian.]
I would have done it anyway, but... You were counting on me. I... couldn't do anything for you but this. I couldn't let you down.
[his gaze shifts again, also looking down at the table. he still hurts a lot from everything that happened. all of it hurts, and it really does take everything in him to not break his composure (he still might, but he hasn't done so yet, somehow).]
What we all want... what we promised...
To not let the chances you gave us go to waste. This is just the start of that.
[She is. There's no doubting that--that Marian is his most important, that he would've done anything for her. But even so... Stahn didn't have to, and Leon never asked it of him. More than anything... all Leon had asked was that he take care of the rest.
Stahn chose to save Marian on his own...and that's just like Stahn.
Quietly, Leon bows his head, breathing out a shaky breath.]
You did not have to, though. That you decided to do so...that was due to your own choices. Though... [Heh.] I suppose that is the sort of person you are.
She's someone important to you, and you risked everything in order to save her. [and then, he'll admit what they both know is true, but is never said.
maybe because he's so overwhelmed, maybe because any restraint and dignity is lost after vomiting in the sink. but stahn isn't thinking about the boundaries that they usually have set.]
And you... you're important to me. I couldn't keep going... trying to put an end to this without saving someone who means so much to you. All of us...
Not when he saw all of their faces when they were talking to Marian. Not when he saw the tears, the pained looks--everything. Not when Stahn has been saying that for far too long already.
Not when he's too tired to deny it any longer.
Quietly, Leon just allows his head to drop, posture almost defeated as he sits there at the table, forearms resting flat on it.]
[stahn doesn't know, either. he doesn't know what to say—maybe part of him should be happy that leon isn't trying to fight it. maybe he should be happy that leon is finally understanding just how important he is to them, and just how deeply his death affected them.
but he's not happy.
he feels tired. he feels sick. he hurts in just about every way.
he doesn't really know what to do anymore, either.
his head dips, letting his hair fall over his eyes as he sucks in a shuddering breath. whatever sense of composure he'd been trying to hold onto his crumbling very quickly, try as he might to stop it.]
[They're both tired. They're both unhappy, and neither of them knows what to do from here. They've rehashed this same territory time and time again, and...
Leon's come to a conclusion that's hard for him to spit out.
That he was wrong.
That everything he did was wrong. They both know that it's true, but putting it to words is so impossible, and... the fact of the matter is that he still would've done it again. For Marian... he would have done it all over again.]
I don't... know what to say. [He'll admit that much finally, eyes on the table.] All that has happened... it seems as though you have done nothing but clean up after my-- [Mistakes.]
[stahn is firm in that much. even if his voices cracks and breaks under the weight of his feelings.]
Hugo... Hugo would have done all of those things with or without you there. He used you... he took advantage of what mattered most to you. That's...
I can't blame you for that. None of us do. [still, he can't bring himself to look up at leon right now.
normally, stahn would look him in the eye and reaffirm that with a confident gaze—he can't do that, though. instead, he's trying to use his forearm to wipe away the tears he doesn't want leon to see.
not that there's much point in hiding them when they both know he's crying right now, this isn't anything new to them when things get bad.]
[It's true. Hugo used him, because he was too weak to stop him. Hugo defeated him, then made him do everything he wanted him to do, at his own whim and pleasure.
If Leon had been stronger, maybe he could have stood against him.
But he was too weak. And because of him... people died. Leon knows that. There's no denying it--he knew what would happen when Hugo's plans came to fruition.]
Even so... there is no denying that my participation in this caused further harm. You do not have to deny that for my sake.
[and it is true. stahn knows that leon being complicit in this didn't help. stahn may be kind of slow... but he knows all of this.
he knows leon is still a guilty party. he knows that leon did these things knowing the consequences of his actions. what he did was still a huge problem, and even though it's true he causes messes that needed to be cleaned up.
he isn't the sole reason for it.
he was coerced, and seemingly against his own morals just because marian's life was at risk.
stahn never once believed that what leon did was without reason.]
I know... you wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for Marian. I know that she's that important to you...
And I know that what Hugo wants and believes isn't what you wanted. So... even if those things are true, they still don't matter to me.
They should matter to Stahn, but even so... Leon believes him when he says they don't. It's a very Stahn thing to say, and so despite Leon's frustrations... he simply sighs, shaking his head dully and glancing away. He doesn't know what else to do at this point, honestly.
He's just tired, and he knows he's guilty, and Stahn absolving him of that guilt isn't enough to erase it. And Leon knows it shouldn't be. He should never be able to just shake off the things he chose to do.]
How can you be so accepting of this? I chose this. I picked one single person's lives over all of yours, and everyone else's.
[he has more to say, but it takes him a minute to get it out.]
But when I think about it... I can't be mad. I can't blame you. Because... if I were in your shoes, I don't know that I would have made a different choice. If it was Lilith, or Gramps, you, Rutee...
[he sucks in a breath, because this is hard for him to admit.] I might have done the same thing. I almost did the same thing. I almost chose you over everything else.
[which would have gotten him killed. the only reason that didn't happen is because kongman held him back forcibly, and stahn knows it. he would have gotten right back in that left and given his life to try and save leon.]
I'm not... going to say your choice is right. But I can't be mad if I'm not any better.
[He says that immediately, shaking his head. Even if he doesn't know everything that happened after--even if Stahn wasn't put in the same situation as him... he knows it. In his soul, in his heart.
He knows Stahn would have found a better way.
Because Stahn...is better than him and always has been and always will be.]
[stahn can't help himself, there's a little outburst that comes with that. because what leon thinks he knows.. he doesn't.
he doesn't know at all, and that's why stahn's hands ball tightly into fists on the table and he sucks in a deep breath. for the first time in a while, he's finding it really hard to live up to a standard that's being set for him. everyone expects so much of him to do the right thing, when in actuality...]
The only reason I didn't come back down that lift to get you was because Kongman held me back and wouldn't let go until we were on the Flying Dragon! And then... even then...
[he flew the draconis straight into dycroft. or he tried to.
he's selfish, and he would have risked everything for one person when he was desperate too, so being told he isn't that way, acting like he's on some kind of highground that leon isn't... that's a lie.]
[Kongman held him back. Stahn could depend on his friends, and Stahn always had. Stahn was open and giving, and thus others cared about him too. Stahn went there with his companions, and when the going got tough, they stood with him.
Leon didn't--couldn't--do it.
He couldn't ask for help--even when he should have, even when Chal counseled him to do so, even when he had nothing else but that. So while Stahn is fierce and fiery, Leon is quiet and flat.]
That is all there is to it. Your choices were different. [better]
[he's getting worked up, because he hates this. he hates that leon is holding him to some higher standard that he doesn't actually meet. he's acting like stahn is someone better than him, and to stahn... there's no way that's the case at all.]
Just stop, Leon! Stop... stop acting like I did everything right and you did everything wrong! I'm not... I'm not better, and that doesn't make me feel good, either. It's not some kind of truth, just because you want to think it is!
[... Oops. Stahn sure is getting worked up over this, and Leon doesn't get it all over again. Why... does he not agree with this? Leon had thought he finally understood. Stahn had depended on his friends and made that choice, and that was the right choice. Leon had not, and that was the wrong choice.
And Leon had died for it.
He glances away sharply, expression a mix of frustration and confusion.]
... Whatever. Think whatever you want. [He doesn't understand.]
it hurts stahn a lot, because the pressure of having to be the hero, of having to be the swordian master he's apparently destined to be already weighs on him heavily. so when leon adds his own expectations to that, and they're so, so much greater than what stahn sees himself as...
it feels hard to breathe.
all stahn can do is drop his head—any attempt that may have existed to maintain his composure is lost. his head remains dipped to not look at leon, but there are hot tears rolling down his cheeks, and though he tries to remain quiet, the way his shoulders shake is indicative of his sobs (as are the sniffles). he doesn't have a response for leon, he doesn't have words to reply with.
except something mumbled that's barely audible, if only because he can't muster the strength to say them any louder.]
Why...
Why can't you ever believe anyone else? [why is leon always so insistent that he's right? even when he admits he's done something wrong, he gets something else in his head tha's off the mark, and then refuses to believe them.
stahn has to wonder if he really values what stahn believes in that little, that he can't ever concede to the fact that stahn sometimes knows what he's talking about, even if that's just admitting his own many flaws.]
[Because Leon's going to Leon... but no, really, he...doesn't understand this. He'd thought that this was what Stahn had wanted--to prove to him that there was nothing correct about what Leon did. That he needed to depend on other people, which is what Stahn did.
That not doing so... that's what led to his doom.
He still doesn't entirely regret what he did, but he's starting to accept that he went about things entirely wrongly, but then... Stahn looks so crushed, and Leon doesn't know what to do.
He's always held Stahn up as a shining standard of what goodness looks like, so it doesn't even cross his mind that that sort of pressure might be adding to it--he doesn't get it at all, and he just looks utterly confused.]
I... I don't understand. [...] I'd thought that...this was what you'd wanted.
[he can at least ask that much, because stahn doesn't know what leon thinks either at this point. everything about this situation leaves stahn at a loss.
what does leon think he want? what is leon expecting of him? everything feels like so much, and while stahn constantly does his best to maintain what he needs to in order to achieve goals back in their world... but his resolve has been shaken so many times, he's not the paragon of good and selfless that leon thinks he is.
sure, he relies on his friends and that gets him through, but he can think of just as many times that he'd been completely stupid and inconsiderate. so... what is even supposed to be? can he even keep living up to this ideal everyone has been piling on his shoulders?]
[Maybe...this is really what they needed though. Maybe they needed it to come to a head like this--for Leon to accept that he didn't understand at all, and for Stahn to finally ask about what Leon's thinking...
Maybe this is what was needed.
Leon hesitates for only a moment, but... he is sincerely confused, and he's trying so hard to figure this out; his brow furrows, and tentatively--]
You have said...time and time again, that I should have relied on someone else. That I did not was my mistake, one you did not make. Isn't that correct?
I said it because... Because I hate knowing so much happened when we could have—when we would have helped. But just because you did that doesn't...
[he has to pause, drawing in a shaky breath. it's hard to have this conversation through tears, especially when stahn himself is overwhelmed and completely unsure of how to put any of this into words.]
It doesn't mean I didn't make mistakes too... that I don't make them. You should have because we're friends, because... I wanted to be able to help you. Not because I'm better or make better choices!
I would have went back, even though it would have killed me. I flew the Draconis right into Dycroft to go after Hugo and it crashed because of a barrier. I cared so much about avenging you that I didn't see how much Rutee was hurting and keeping to herself.
[there are a couple of sobs he can't choke back, and that's why he has to pause again and take in a few deep breaths.]
So you can't say I always made the right choices, or that I did something better... [the only difference is that because their friends were there, they managed to do damage control and prevent stahn from getting himself killed.]
[He still doesn't understand: it's obvious on his face. But Leon's always had that slightly twisted worldview from how he was raised. Leon was raised to be perfect. There wasn't anything else acceptable but that perfection... but he'd never really expected that from the people around him. It was just him. He was the only one, and now...
He doesn't find any fault in Stahn or Stahn's actions. The only actions he finds fault in are his own.
So he's quiet for a long moment, before he just shakes his head tiredly.]
If you are expecting me to be shocked that you thought with your heart instead of your head, I am afraid I am not.
[That's what Stahn had always done. He'd always been emotional, and giving, and far too kind. That was what made him strong, and what made him weak all at once, and Leon....well, Leon knew that very well by now.]
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[it could have been worse. it could have been a whole lot worse when he thinks about the things that happened before that. stahn's not sure he could bear it if leon saw the direct aftermath of his sacrifice, or the way he and rutee cried together in radislowe. ilene's death, or anything in-between.
this was still painful, because even stahn hasn't forgotten anything that happened on that day... but...
maybe leon could get some closure from it?
he finally finds it in him to lift his head, looking at leon with eyes that... are hard to discern the expression. relieved? sad? still pained? it seems like a bit of everything.]
It was my promise to you. [he wouldn't let marian die, no matter what.] I... couldn't break that promise, no matter what.
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And even if it was, he wouldn't go see her anyway.
It wouldn't be fair to her, after the suffering he put her through.
He drops his gaze to the table, and dully:]
Thank you.
[He does appreciate it; there's no doubt about that, despite his tone. He's infinitely grateful that Stahn saved Marian. It's just that everything else is so difficult to handle emotionally right now.]
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She's... the most important person to you. [stahn knows that. he knows how much leon loves marian.]
I would have done it anyway, but... You were counting on me. I... couldn't do anything for you but this. I couldn't let you down.
[his gaze shifts again, also looking down at the table. he still hurts a lot from everything that happened. all of it hurts, and it really does take everything in him to not break his composure (he still might, but he hasn't done so yet, somehow).]
What we all want... what we promised...
To not let the chances you gave us go to waste. This is just the start of that.
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Stahn chose to save Marian on his own...and that's just like Stahn.
Quietly, Leon bows his head, breathing out a shaky breath.]
You did not have to, though. That you decided to do so...that was due to your own choices. Though... [Heh.] I suppose that is the sort of person you are.
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[stahn will argue that point firmly.]
She's someone important to you, and you risked everything in order to save her. [and then, he'll admit what they both know is true, but is never said.
maybe because he's so overwhelmed, maybe because any restraint and dignity is lost after vomiting in the sink. but stahn isn't thinking about the boundaries that they usually have set.]
And you... you're important to me. I couldn't keep going... trying to put an end to this without saving someone who means so much to you. All of us...
We all wanted to make sure she was safe.
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[He can't deny that any longer.
Not when he saw all of their faces when they were talking to Marian. Not when he saw the tears, the pained looks--everything. Not when Stahn has been saying that for far too long already.
Not when he's too tired to deny it any longer.
Quietly, Leon just allows his head to drop, posture almost defeated as he sits there at the table, forearms resting flat on it.]
... I know.
[But...what else can he possibly say to that?]
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but he's not happy.
he feels tired. he feels sick. he hurts in just about every way.
he doesn't really know what to do anymore, either.
his head dips, letting his hair fall over his eyes as he sucks in a shuddering breath. whatever sense of composure he'd been trying to hold onto his crumbling very quickly, try as he might to stop it.]
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Leon's come to a conclusion that's hard for him to spit out.
That he was wrong.
That everything he did was wrong. They both know that it's true, but putting it to words is so impossible, and... the fact of the matter is that he still would've done it again. For Marian... he would have done it all over again.]
I don't... know what to say. [He'll admit that much finally, eyes on the table.] All that has happened... it seems as though you have done nothing but clean up after my-- [Mistakes.]
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[stahn is firm in that much. even if his voices cracks and breaks under the weight of his feelings.]
Hugo... Hugo would have done all of those things with or without you there. He used you... he took advantage of what mattered most to you. That's...
I can't blame you for that. None of us do. [still, he can't bring himself to look up at leon right now.
normally, stahn would look him in the eye and reaffirm that with a confident gaze—he can't do that, though. instead, he's trying to use his forearm to wipe away the tears he doesn't want leon to see.
not that there's much point in hiding them when they both know he's crying right now, this isn't anything new to them when things get bad.]
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If Leon had been stronger, maybe he could have stood against him.
But he was too weak. And because of him... people died. Leon knows that. There's no denying it--he knew what would happen when Hugo's plans came to fruition.]
Even so... there is no denying that my participation in this caused further harm. You do not have to deny that for my sake.
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[and it is true. stahn knows that leon being complicit in this didn't help. stahn may be kind of slow... but he knows all of this.
he knows leon is still a guilty party. he knows that leon did these things knowing the consequences of his actions. what he did was still a huge problem, and even though it's true he causes messes that needed to be cleaned up.
he isn't the sole reason for it.
he was coerced, and seemingly against his own morals just because marian's life was at risk.
stahn never once believed that what leon did was without reason.]
I know... you wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for Marian. I know that she's that important to you...
And I know that what Hugo wants and believes isn't what you wanted. So... even if those things are true, they still don't matter to me.
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They should matter to Stahn, but even so... Leon believes him when he says they don't. It's a very Stahn thing to say, and so despite Leon's frustrations... he simply sighs, shaking his head dully and glancing away. He doesn't know what else to do at this point, honestly.
He's just tired, and he knows he's guilty, and Stahn absolving him of that guilt isn't enough to erase it. And Leon knows it shouldn't be. He should never be able to just shake off the things he chose to do.]
How can you be so accepting of this? I chose this. I picked one single person's lives over all of yours, and everyone else's.
[That choice was wrong.]
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[he has more to say, but it takes him a minute to get it out.]
But when I think about it... I can't be mad. I can't blame you. Because... if I were in your shoes, I don't know that I would have made a different choice. If it was Lilith, or Gramps, you, Rutee...
[he sucks in a breath, because this is hard for him to admit.] I might have done the same thing. I almost did the same thing. I almost chose you over everything else.
[which would have gotten him killed. the only reason that didn't happen is because kongman held him back forcibly, and stahn knows it. he would have gotten right back in that left and given his life to try and save leon.]
I'm not... going to say your choice is right. But I can't be mad if I'm not any better.
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[He says that immediately, shaking his head. Even if he doesn't know everything that happened after--even if Stahn wasn't put in the same situation as him... he knows it. In his soul, in his heart.
He knows Stahn would have found a better way.
Because Stahn...is better than him and always has been and always will be.]
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[stahn can't help himself, there's a little outburst that comes with that. because what leon thinks he knows.. he doesn't.
he doesn't know at all, and that's why stahn's hands ball tightly into fists on the table and he sucks in a deep breath. for the first time in a while, he's finding it really hard to live up to a standard that's being set for him. everyone expects so much of him to do the right thing, when in actuality...]
The only reason I didn't come back down that lift to get you was because Kongman held me back and wouldn't let go until we were on the Flying Dragon! And then... even then...
[he flew the draconis straight into dycroft. or he tried to.
he's selfish, and he would have risked everything for one person when he was desperate too, so being told he isn't that way, acting like he's on some kind of highground that leon isn't... that's a lie.]
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[Kongman held him back. Stahn could depend on his friends, and Stahn always had. Stahn was open and giving, and thus others cared about him too. Stahn went there with his companions, and when the going got tough, they stood with him.
Leon didn't--couldn't--do it.
He couldn't ask for help--even when he should have, even when Chal counseled him to do so, even when he had nothing else but that. So while Stahn is fierce and fiery, Leon is quiet and flat.]
That is all there is to it. Your choices were different. [better]
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[he's getting worked up, because he hates this. he hates that leon is holding him to some higher standard that he doesn't actually meet. he's acting like stahn is someone better than him, and to stahn... there's no way that's the case at all.]
Just stop, Leon! Stop... stop acting like I did everything right and you did everything wrong! I'm not... I'm not better, and that doesn't make me feel good, either. It's not some kind of truth, just because you want to think it is!
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And Leon had died for it.
He glances away sharply, expression a mix of frustration and confusion.]
... Whatever. Think whatever you want. [He doesn't understand.]
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it hurts stahn a lot, because the pressure of having to be the hero, of having to be the swordian master he's apparently destined to be already weighs on him heavily. so when leon adds his own expectations to that, and they're so, so much greater than what stahn sees himself as...
it feels hard to breathe.
all stahn can do is drop his head—any attempt that may have existed to maintain his composure is lost. his head remains dipped to not look at leon, but there are hot tears rolling down his cheeks, and though he tries to remain quiet, the way his shoulders shake is indicative of his sobs (as are the sniffles). he doesn't have a response for leon, he doesn't have words to reply with.
except something mumbled that's barely audible, if only because he can't muster the strength to say them any louder.]
Why...
Why can't you ever believe anyone else? [why is leon always so insistent that he's right? even when he admits he's done something wrong, he gets something else in his head tha's off the mark, and then refuses to believe them.
stahn has to wonder if he really values what stahn believes in that little, that he can't ever concede to the fact that stahn sometimes knows what he's talking about, even if that's just admitting his own many flaws.]
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That not doing so... that's what led to his doom.
He still doesn't entirely regret what he did, but he's starting to accept that he went about things entirely wrongly, but then... Stahn looks so crushed, and Leon doesn't know what to do.
He's always held Stahn up as a shining standard of what goodness looks like, so it doesn't even cross his mind that that sort of pressure might be adding to it--he doesn't get it at all, and he just looks utterly confused.]
I... I don't understand. [...] I'd thought that...this was what you'd wanted.
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[he can at least ask that much, because stahn doesn't know what leon thinks either at this point. everything about this situation leaves stahn at a loss.
what does leon think he want? what is leon expecting of him? everything feels like so much, and while stahn constantly does his best to maintain what he needs to in order to achieve goals back in their world... but his resolve has been shaken so many times, he's not the paragon of good and selfless that leon thinks he is.
sure, he relies on his friends and that gets him through, but he can think of just as many times that he'd been completely stupid and inconsiderate. so... what is even supposed to be? can he even keep living up to this ideal everyone has been piling on his shoulders?]
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Maybe this is what was needed.
Leon hesitates for only a moment, but... he is sincerely confused, and he's trying so hard to figure this out; his brow furrows, and tentatively--]
You have said...time and time again, that I should have relied on someone else. That I did not was my mistake, one you did not make. Isn't that correct?
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[he has to pause, drawing in a shaky breath. it's hard to have this conversation through tears, especially when stahn himself is overwhelmed and completely unsure of how to put any of this into words.]
It doesn't mean I didn't make mistakes too... that I don't make them. You should have because we're friends, because... I wanted to be able to help you. Not because I'm better or make better choices!
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I would have went back, even though it would have killed me. I flew the Draconis right into Dycroft to go after Hugo and it crashed because of a barrier. I cared so much about avenging you that I didn't see how much Rutee was hurting and keeping to herself.
[there are a couple of sobs he can't choke back, and that's why he has to pause again and take in a few deep breaths.]
So you can't say I always made the right choices, or that I did something better... [the only difference is that because their friends were there, they managed to do damage control and prevent stahn from getting himself killed.]
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He doesn't find any fault in Stahn or Stahn's actions. The only actions he finds fault in are his own.
So he's quiet for a long moment, before he just shakes his head tiredly.]
If you are expecting me to be shocked that you thought with your heart instead of your head, I am afraid I am not.
[That's what Stahn had always done. He'd always been emotional, and giving, and far too kind. That was what made him strong, and what made him weak all at once, and Leon....well, Leon knew that very well by now.]
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