[yep, he sure is having a hard time using his words right now. his hand will finally drop from leon's arm, but he doesn't move otherwise.]
I saw... It was your room, in Seinegald. Hugo, and the others... Baruk, Rembrandt... Ilene...
[it's hard for stahn to speak, because it honestly chokes him up to even think about.] He—you, and then you, and then Marian...
[there are just so many words he can't say. he can't say that leon was hit to brutally for leon for himself. he can't say how fiercely he say leon refusing to betray them. he can't say how they held marian over his head until he conceded.
he can't do it, but even recalling it makes stahn feel weak enough to crouch down while he catches his breath. he has no idea why he saw any of that, but he's not okay with it in the least.]
As Stahn speaks, there's a cold dread that sweeps over Leon. There's no way Stahn could have known about any of that--not unless he'd really seen it himself. Stahn...how did that...
He stares at him, and suddenly, he feels the almost pathetic need to flee.]
[if leon were to flee now, there'd be a good chance stahn wouldn't be able to properly chase after him.
hearing leon respond like that only confirms what he's been thinking—it's a memory. it's leon's memory, and it's something that stahn is being forced to see even though he was clearly never meant to know of it.
it's invasive. it's so invasive, because as much as he wants leon to be open and honest with him, he would never force out painful memories, especially not ones that had to do with marian or what he did back then. he doesn't want to pry into leon's memories this way.
they hurt.
they hurt stahn too, because they remind him so much of how he couldn't help, and how leon didn't rely on them until it was too late.]
I don't.... I don't know. [he chokes out the words, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes closed. he doesn't know how or why he saw it, but he did. he should apologize, but it's hard to say anything at all.]
Stahn didn't try to pry open his memories. Stahn wouldn't do that. It was invasive for both of them, and Leon... Leon knows exactly what Stahn saw.
He glances away, and he can't help but feel a little sick to his stomach and guilty. It was better when Stahn knew nothing of the situation. But seeing him like that... his tone is dull, and flat.]
... I suppose you have seen how pathetic I was, then.
[When it came down to it.
That's what it all was. He was pathetic, and he couldn't do a damn thing.]
[that's not what stahn thinks at all. if anything, it's should be clear enough that stahn is hurting just from seeing it; he still hasn't found it in him to stand or even try to look up at leon. his eyes are trained on the floor, and after a moment, he'll go from crouching to completely on his knees.]
I don't think that at all. I... I would never think that.
[and after a brief pause, he says much more quietly (and with much less steady a voice):] I'm sorry.
[Don't apologize. Don't look so broken up over it like that. Don't... because Leon doesn't know how to handle it either. He's doing his best here, but he's off-balanced and upset too, and he has to look away.
Ah... the stove is still on.
Vaguely, fumblingly, he moves to turn it off.]
What you saw... clearly you saw what happened. In that case, there's no denying it. [He was pathetic.]
It happened, but I... still don't think that. And... I'm still sorry.
[he doesn't care if leon isn't looking for apologies, because this still needs to be said, however hard it is for stahn to get these words out without losing his composure over it.]
I know it's not something I was ever supposed to see. That it was... painful for you. I understand why you wouldn't tell me that so... I'm sorry.
[because he feels like he's invading something deeply personal to leon, even though he never intended to.]
[He doesn't know how to handle this at all. It's a breach of his personal matters, and one that's intensely emotionally charged. He doesn't know how to respond, and he flinches a little when Stahn speaks.
It's all...too much.
He drags in a shaky breath, trying so hard to regain his composure and failing.]
I... don't...act as though there's anything that was your fault about this. It wasn't--by choice for either of us, so it is best that you just leave it be.
... It doesn't matter, regardless. It is in the past.
[this is just one of those things that's tough and emotionally charge for them both, simply thanks to everything that happened.]
Right. I... I won't ask anything else about it. [he mumbles quietly. even though leon is telling him not to apologize, that it doesn't matter, that he should leave it be...
it's hard for stahn.
seeing leon in that situation hurts him and all the same, he feels like he's invaded something so personal even though he's tried so hard to respect leon's boundaries and let him talk about things when he's ready to. it's too much for him too, and that's why he can't seem to even look up.]
I... ["i" what? stahn doesn't even know what to say, but the word is choked out... he feels overwhelmed by this in every single way.]
Seeing Stahn like this is incredibly pitiful, but Leon doesn't know what to do about it. Somehow, after all of that... it doesn't feel right to offer up his hand. Instead, after a long pause, he just sighs and crouches next to Stahn--but just to clean up the french toast he dropped.
But at least this way... he's also closer, and at the same level, even if he's still avoiding Stahn's eyes.]
[stahn remains that way, which... is honestly probably not the best thing when they've got a second animal on the loose that is curiously making its way over. stahn's oblivious to it though, so he honestly doesn't notice when it makes contact with leon, sharing a memory all his own.
it's very depths of mikheil; a place that leon wouldn't recognize. it's lined with escape pods, and at the scene is... well, the entire party, and marian.
they've saved her, and it's a relief, but of course—those words come. "Master Em—Leon... he's not with you?"
there's the incredibly saddened silence that falls over, chelsea's choked back tears and mary telling her to be strong. there's the rest of them, and stahn especially, despite his obvious grief, saying that leon had somewhere else to be, that he couldn't join them. it's an obvious lie, and stahn and rutee seem to be struggling the most, despite the way they smile for marian's sake.
she knows, and it's obvious she knows the truth. leon wouldn't be rejoining them. she cites her worries about his reasons, and rutee insists not to treat him as a dead man. and that question eventually comes: "You're... Stahn, right? Master Leon... he always spoke so fondly of you," stahn's declaration that they're best friends, and followed by her thanking stahn for being such a good friend to him. somehow, through all of that, marian finds a smile and cites that she'll return to that manor to wait for leon, because that's her duty to him.
...the memory is long and drawn out, the entire conversation played for leon's eyes with every last emotion that made that rescue as important as it was. it's a moment that resonates so strongly with stahn, the last he has of their world before cerealia, and the strange moment that was supposed to give him some sort of closure and validation, because he kept his promise to leon.
of course, when it ends, stahn's fingers are digging into the floor tiles, because everything is spinning and though he could probably guess what happened and having it happen the other way, it's... a lot more overwhelming while still dealing with all of the feelings from leon's memory as well.]
Even having realized that memories were being exchanged, Leon couldn't have expected suddenly receiving Stahn's, and Leon's overwhelmed--the view, the sensations, the very image of Marian again...
It makes his heart hurt and his throat close up, even as he's able to see. She asked for him. But she knew. He can see it in her eyes, even as she vows to wait for him, and he wants to ask her why--but this isn't his memory, this is Stahn's, and he can see how distressed everyone is by it, even if he doesn't understand (why would they be so upset over this? He's grateful they tried to comfort her, but why?) and...
When he comes out of it, he can see that Stahn doesn't look so good, but...he's not capable of doing anything right now. He's crouched there on the floor instead, fists clenched so tightly his knuckles are white, and despite himself... his eyes are wet.
He never thought he'd be able to see Marian ever again. But seeing her like that?
whatever memory leon saw, stahn can't focus enough to ask if he just experienced something, or what he did.
the feeling of seeing leon's heart-wrenching memory had already made him feel sick from how painful and invasive it was; now he's feeling physically ill too. his stomach churns, the room is spinning and... stahn can't handle any of the sensations at all. it's all too much for him and he honestly feels like he's going to vomit.
no, wait.
make that, he's going to vomit.
it's a struggle, but stahn pulls himself to his feet, incredibly shaky. he's unsteady enough that he completely stumbles towards the sink, hitting his head against the faucet with a clang before he begins to retch directly into the sink. there's not much to empty, considering he hasn't yet eaten, but yeah. it sure is happening well before stahn can ask anything to leon; even as he does this much, his legs are wobbling and he's gripping the edge of the counter tightly for support.]
[He can hear Stahn retching, and he really is concerned--but even so, there's not a lot he can do at the moment, overwhelmed as he is. He can't move, remaining crouched on the floor, breathing shallowly in an attempt to not start hyperventilating.
Marian had been that concerned for him, even after everything she'd gone through because of him.
And she was going to wait for him, just as Stahn had said, even though she knew he was dead.
He breathes out a shuddering breath, squeezing his eyes shut tightly, feeling the wetness gather at his eyelashes. He doesn't want this--he didn't want any of this. And Stahn isn't okay, but Leon's not in any position to help him either, not at the moment.]
retching doesn't help much; even after doing so, he still feels completely awful and dizzy to the point that all he can do is turn his back to the sink (which is gross but he's not cleaning it up yet), sinking down to the floor with his back to the lower cabinets.
he's trembling, he's got tears in his eyes and he can't even keep them open because of how much everything is spinning. he barely even seems to be able to wipe his nose and his mouth; he's coughing a bit and his breathing is heavy... and now he's uncomfortable from the muscles tensing as he vomited.
he's not in a position to help leon, either. he can't even ask what he saw; he can't even look at leon to see how he's doing. all he can do is let out a barely audible, discomfited groan—he feels like he could probably vomit again if he had it in him to even move.]
After a few moments more of trying so hard to find his composure, he's able to slowly drag in a shuddering breath, and then he stands slowly, leaving the mess of french toast where it is for now. He brushes a sleeve over his eyes immediately, ruthlessly, and then he steps over to Stahn, who still doesn't look good at all.
Leon's voice is hoarse... but he'll at least sound reasonably calm otherwise.]
What do you need? [With how sick he is... what will make him feel better?]
[he can't speak at first, but he doesn't seem too surprised that leon has recovered more quickly than he has. leon is strong in ways that stahn knows he isn't himself, so the fact he can pick himself so much easier than stahn can?
it's not surprising.
maybe it's even a little comforting that leon can be to stable in ways he knows he can't be himself.
he's still troubled by seeing leon's memory, but it's more how dizzy he is and how he just puked that seems to be the cause for the tears in his eyes.]
Sit... with me. [that's what stahn wants. he can't move yet, and even opening his eyes feels like a bad idea. more hoarse than leon, he utters those words, shaky and desperate.
he wants to ask what leon saw, and if he's okay, but he still needs more time to try and regain his composure.]
If that's really what Stahn needs right now, Leon will do it. After all.. he still feels some lingering gratitude, seeing Stahn and the others properly save Marian like that. And so he just sighs, and gestures towards the kitchen table.]
Go sit. I will join you in a moment.
[He knows Stahn is unsteady, but the kitchen is quite frankly a disaster, so he thinks Stahn will feel better if he sits elsewhere, where there isn't such a mess. As for Leon... he turns on the sink and sets to scraping up the french toast, at least a little of the mess getting removed.]
[leon isn't refusing, and he'll take that as a good sign. still though, it takes him a minute to pull himself to his feet, and even at that? he's unsteady. he's wobbling as he stands, stumbling to the table, and when he sits?
his first agenda is just to lean forward, pressing his head against the table and closing his eyes.
it's all still spinning, and it probably should be subsiding a bit, but the truth is that being a bit dizzied by what he saw isn't helping. but he'll wait, breaths shallow and quiet as leon cleans up.]
[It's going to take a few moments for Leon to clean up to the point where he's satisfied; it's just surface level cleaning, but at least the kitchen looks less like a disasterzone.
And then he makes his way to the table and just.
Sits in one of the other chairs silently.
Honestly?
He has no idea what to say or where to begin--or even if he should say anything at all.]
[stahn still doesn't lift his head, but he's paying attention. he hears the movement of the chair and leon taking a seat.
and... the air feels so heavy around them.
but he can't sit in silence this way; he can't just let things carry on like this, because that's just not stahn. he's still worried about leon, after all. even if stahn was the one that was overwhelmed to the point of making himself sick, he still can't ignore the fact that leon was hurting.
and that leon may have seen something crucial. so he draws in a shaky, uneven breath before speaking—and even at that, he still sounds tentative.]
[He draws in a sharp breath, but when he breathes it out again, it's mostly steady. If he doesn't think too hard about it... it's okay. If he doesn't dwell (not on Marian's face, not on her words, not on how she'd known he was dead, not on how he'll never see her again)...then it's okay.
(It's not okay.)]
... I did.
[Of course he did.
It'd be silly to deny it. So he steels himself, drawing in another slow breath.]
I...saw when you saved Marian.
[He saw Marian again.]
And for that... I suppose I had ought to thank you again.
[it could have been worse. it could have been a whole lot worse when he thinks about the things that happened before that. stahn's not sure he could bear it if leon saw the direct aftermath of his sacrifice, or the way he and rutee cried together in radislowe. ilene's death, or anything in-between.
this was still painful, because even stahn hasn't forgotten anything that happened on that day... but...
maybe leon could get some closure from it?
he finally finds it in him to lift his head, looking at leon with eyes that... are hard to discern the expression. relieved? sad? still pained? it seems like a bit of everything.]
It was my promise to you. [he wouldn't let marian die, no matter what.] I... couldn't break that promise, no matter what.
[Seeing her again had honestly almost been too much for him; even now, when he thinks of that memory, it makes his breathing grow shakier. Because there's a part of him that still so badly wants to see her again, and yet he knows that it's not possible.
And even if it was, he wouldn't go see her anyway.
It wouldn't be fair to her, after the suffering he put her through.
He drops his gaze to the table, and dully:]
Thank you.
[He does appreciate it; there's no doubt about that, despite his tone. He's infinitely grateful that Stahn saved Marian. It's just that everything else is so difficult to handle emotionally right now.]
[he knows. there's not a single moment where he'd ever question if leon was truly appreciative or not.]
She's... the most important person to you. [stahn knows that. he knows how much leon loves marian.]
I would have done it anyway, but... You were counting on me. I... couldn't do anything for you but this. I couldn't let you down.
[his gaze shifts again, also looking down at the table. he still hurts a lot from everything that happened. all of it hurts, and it really does take everything in him to not break his composure (he still might, but he hasn't done so yet, somehow).]
What we all want... what we promised...
To not let the chances you gave us go to waste. This is just the start of that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[yep, he sure is having a hard time using his words right now. his hand will finally drop from leon's arm, but he doesn't move otherwise.]
I saw... It was your room, in Seinegald. Hugo, and the others... Baruk, Rembrandt... Ilene...
[it's hard for stahn to speak, because it honestly chokes him up to even think about.] He—you, and then you, and then Marian...
[there are just so many words he can't say. he can't say that leon was hit to brutally for leon for himself. he can't say how fiercely he say leon refusing to betray them. he can't say how they held marian over his head until he conceded.
he can't do it, but even recalling it makes stahn feel weak enough to crouch down while he catches his breath. he has no idea why he saw any of that, but he's not okay with it in the least.]
It... it was a memory, wasn't it?
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As Stahn speaks, there's a cold dread that sweeps over Leon. There's no way Stahn could have known about any of that--not unless he'd really seen it himself. Stahn...how did that...
He stares at him, and suddenly, he feels the almost pathetic need to flee.]
I... you--
[...]
How?
[Yes.
It's a memory, and Leon can't even deny it.]
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hearing leon respond like that only confirms what he's been thinking—it's a memory. it's leon's memory, and it's something that stahn is being forced to see even though he was clearly never meant to know of it.
it's invasive. it's so invasive, because as much as he wants leon to be open and honest with him, he would never force out painful memories, especially not ones that had to do with marian or what he did back then. he doesn't want to pry into leon's memories this way.
they hurt.
they hurt stahn too, because they remind him so much of how he couldn't help, and how leon didn't rely on them until it was too late.]
I don't.... I don't know. [he chokes out the words, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes closed. he doesn't know how or why he saw it, but he did. he should apologize, but it's hard to say anything at all.]
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Stahn didn't try to pry open his memories. Stahn wouldn't do that. It was invasive for both of them, and Leon... Leon knows exactly what Stahn saw.
He glances away, and he can't help but feel a little sick to his stomach and guilty. It was better when Stahn knew nothing of the situation. But seeing him like that... his tone is dull, and flat.]
... I suppose you have seen how pathetic I was, then.
[When it came down to it.
That's what it all was. He was pathetic, and he couldn't do a damn thing.]
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[that's not what stahn thinks at all. if anything, it's should be clear enough that stahn is hurting just from seeing it; he still hasn't found it in him to stand or even try to look up at leon. his eyes are trained on the floor, and after a moment, he'll go from crouching to completely on his knees.]
I don't think that at all. I... I would never think that.
[and after a brief pause, he says much more quietly (and with much less steady a voice):] I'm sorry.
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[Don't apologize. Don't look so broken up over it like that. Don't... because Leon doesn't know how to handle it either. He's doing his best here, but he's off-balanced and upset too, and he has to look away.
Ah... the stove is still on.
Vaguely, fumblingly, he moves to turn it off.]
What you saw... clearly you saw what happened. In that case, there's no denying it. [He was pathetic.]
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[he doesn't care if leon isn't looking for apologies, because this still needs to be said, however hard it is for stahn to get these words out without losing his composure over it.]
I know it's not something I was ever supposed to see. That it was... painful for you. I understand why you wouldn't tell me that so... I'm sorry.
[because he feels like he's invading something deeply personal to leon, even though he never intended to.]
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It's all...too much.
He drags in a shaky breath, trying so hard to regain his composure and failing.]
I... don't...act as though there's anything that was your fault about this. It wasn't--by choice for either of us, so it is best that you just leave it be.
... It doesn't matter, regardless. It is in the past.
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Right. I... I won't ask anything else about it. [he mumbles quietly. even though leon is telling him not to apologize, that it doesn't matter, that he should leave it be...
it's hard for stahn.
seeing leon in that situation hurts him and all the same, he feels like he's invaded something so personal even though he's tried so hard to respect leon's boundaries and let him talk about things when he's ready to. it's too much for him too, and that's why he can't seem to even look up.]
I... ["i" what? stahn doesn't even know what to say, but the word is choked out... he feels overwhelmed by this in every single way.]
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Seeing Stahn like this is incredibly pitiful, but Leon doesn't know what to do about it. Somehow, after all of that... it doesn't feel right to offer up his hand. Instead, after a long pause, he just sighs and crouches next to Stahn--but just to clean up the french toast he dropped.
But at least this way... he's also closer, and at the same level, even if he's still avoiding Stahn's eyes.]
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it's very depths of mikheil; a place that leon wouldn't recognize. it's lined with escape pods, and at the scene is... well, the entire party, and marian.
they've saved her, and it's a relief, but of course—those words come. "Master Em—Leon... he's not with you?"
there's the incredibly saddened silence that falls over, chelsea's choked back tears and mary telling her to be strong. there's the rest of them, and stahn especially, despite his obvious grief, saying that leon had somewhere else to be, that he couldn't join them. it's an obvious lie, and stahn and rutee seem to be struggling the most, despite the way they smile for marian's sake.
she knows, and it's obvious she knows the truth. leon wouldn't be rejoining them. she cites her worries about his reasons, and rutee insists not to treat him as a dead man. and that question eventually comes: "You're... Stahn, right? Master Leon... he always spoke so fondly of you," stahn's declaration that they're best friends, and followed by her thanking stahn for being such a good friend to him. somehow, through all of that, marian finds a smile and cites that she'll return to that manor to wait for leon, because that's her duty to him.
...the memory is long and drawn out, the entire conversation played for leon's eyes with every last emotion that made that rescue as important as it was. it's a moment that resonates so strongly with stahn, the last he has of their world before cerealia, and the strange moment that was supposed to give him some sort of closure and validation, because he kept his promise to leon.
of course, when it ends, stahn's fingers are digging into the floor tiles, because everything is spinning and though he could probably guess what happened and having it happen the other way, it's... a lot more overwhelming while still dealing with all of the feelings from leon's memory as well.]
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Even having realized that memories were being exchanged, Leon couldn't have expected suddenly receiving Stahn's, and Leon's overwhelmed--the view, the sensations, the very image of Marian again...
It makes his heart hurt and his throat close up, even as he's able to see. She asked for him. But she knew. He can see it in her eyes, even as she vows to wait for him, and he wants to ask her why--but this isn't his memory, this is Stahn's, and he can see how distressed everyone is by it, even if he doesn't understand (why would they be so upset over this? He's grateful they tried to comfort her, but why?) and...
When he comes out of it, he can see that Stahn doesn't look so good, but...he's not capable of doing anything right now. He's crouched there on the floor instead, fists clenched so tightly his knuckles are white, and despite himself... his eyes are wet.
He never thought he'd be able to see Marian ever again. But seeing her like that?
It's almost worst.]
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whatever memory leon saw, stahn can't focus enough to ask if he just experienced something, or what he did.
the feeling of seeing leon's heart-wrenching memory had already made him feel sick from how painful and invasive it was; now he's feeling physically ill too. his stomach churns, the room is spinning and... stahn can't handle any of the sensations at all. it's all too much for him and he honestly feels like he's going to vomit.
no, wait.
make that, he's going to vomit.
it's a struggle, but stahn pulls himself to his feet, incredibly shaky. he's unsteady enough that he completely stumbles towards the sink, hitting his head against the faucet with a clang before he begins to retch directly into the sink. there's not much to empty, considering he hasn't yet eaten, but yeah. it sure is happening well before stahn can ask anything to leon; even as he does this much, his legs are wobbling and he's gripping the edge of the counter tightly for support.]
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Marian had been that concerned for him, even after everything she'd gone through because of him.
And she was going to wait for him, just as Stahn had said, even though she knew he was dead.
He breathes out a shuddering breath, squeezing his eyes shut tightly, feeling the wetness gather at his eyelashes. He doesn't want this--he didn't want any of this. And Stahn isn't okay, but Leon's not in any position to help him either, not at the moment.]
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retching doesn't help much; even after doing so, he still feels completely awful and dizzy to the point that all he can do is turn his back to the sink (which is gross but he's not cleaning it up yet), sinking down to the floor with his back to the lower cabinets.
he's trembling, he's got tears in his eyes and he can't even keep them open because of how much everything is spinning. he barely even seems to be able to wipe his nose and his mouth; he's coughing a bit and his breathing is heavy... and now he's uncomfortable from the muscles tensing as he vomited.
he's not in a position to help leon, either. he can't even ask what he saw; he can't even look at leon to see how he's doing. all he can do is let out a barely audible, discomfited groan—he feels like he could probably vomit again if he had it in him to even move.]
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After a few moments more of trying so hard to find his composure, he's able to slowly drag in a shuddering breath, and then he stands slowly, leaving the mess of french toast where it is for now. He brushes a sleeve over his eyes immediately, ruthlessly, and then he steps over to Stahn, who still doesn't look good at all.
Leon's voice is hoarse... but he'll at least sound reasonably calm otherwise.]
What do you need? [With how sick he is... what will make him feel better?]
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it's not surprising.
maybe it's even a little comforting that leon can be to stable in ways he knows he can't be himself.
he's still troubled by seeing leon's memory, but it's more how dizzy he is and how he just puked that seems to be the cause for the tears in his eyes.]
Sit... with me. [that's what stahn wants. he can't move yet, and even opening his eyes feels like a bad idea. more hoarse than leon, he utters those words, shaky and desperate.
he wants to ask what leon saw, and if he's okay, but he still needs more time to try and regain his composure.]
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If that's really what Stahn needs right now, Leon will do it. After all.. he still feels some lingering gratitude, seeing Stahn and the others properly save Marian like that. And so he just sighs, and gestures towards the kitchen table.]
Go sit. I will join you in a moment.
[He knows Stahn is unsteady, but the kitchen is quite frankly a disaster, so he thinks Stahn will feel better if he sits elsewhere, where there isn't such a mess. As for Leon... he turns on the sink and sets to scraping up the french toast, at least a little of the mess getting removed.]
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[leon isn't refusing, and he'll take that as a good sign. still though, it takes him a minute to pull himself to his feet, and even at that? he's unsteady. he's wobbling as he stands, stumbling to the table, and when he sits?
his first agenda is just to lean forward, pressing his head against the table and closing his eyes.
it's all still spinning, and it probably should be subsiding a bit, but the truth is that being a bit dizzied by what he saw isn't helping. but he'll wait, breaths shallow and quiet as leon cleans up.]
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And then he makes his way to the table and just.
Sits in one of the other chairs silently.
Honestly?
He has no idea what to say or where to begin--or even if he should say anything at all.]
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and... the air feels so heavy around them.
but he can't sit in silence this way; he can't just let things carry on like this, because that's just not stahn. he's still worried about leon, after all. even if stahn was the one that was overwhelmed to the point of making himself sick, he still can't ignore the fact that leon was hurting.
and that leon may have seen something crucial. so he draws in a shaky, uneven breath before speaking—and even at that, he still sounds tentative.]
You... saw something, didn't you?
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(It's not okay.)]
... I did.
[Of course he did.
It'd be silly to deny it. So he steels himself, drawing in another slow breath.]
I...saw when you saved Marian.
[He saw Marian again.]
And for that... I suppose I had ought to thank you again.
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[it could have been worse. it could have been a whole lot worse when he thinks about the things that happened before that. stahn's not sure he could bear it if leon saw the direct aftermath of his sacrifice, or the way he and rutee cried together in radislowe. ilene's death, or anything in-between.
this was still painful, because even stahn hasn't forgotten anything that happened on that day... but...
maybe leon could get some closure from it?
he finally finds it in him to lift his head, looking at leon with eyes that... are hard to discern the expression. relieved? sad? still pained? it seems like a bit of everything.]
It was my promise to you. [he wouldn't let marian die, no matter what.] I... couldn't break that promise, no matter what.
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And even if it was, he wouldn't go see her anyway.
It wouldn't be fair to her, after the suffering he put her through.
He drops his gaze to the table, and dully:]
Thank you.
[He does appreciate it; there's no doubt about that, despite his tone. He's infinitely grateful that Stahn saved Marian. It's just that everything else is so difficult to handle emotionally right now.]
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She's... the most important person to you. [stahn knows that. he knows how much leon loves marian.]
I would have done it anyway, but... You were counting on me. I... couldn't do anything for you but this. I couldn't let you down.
[his gaze shifts again, also looking down at the table. he still hurts a lot from everything that happened. all of it hurts, and it really does take everything in him to not break his composure (he still might, but he hasn't done so yet, somehow).]
What we all want... what we promised...
To not let the chances you gave us go to waste. This is just the start of that.
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